Some thought re: staying at home to be a mom

Dear Lori,

Thanks for sharing your convictions in your essay on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. Phil saw it and shared the link with me and I’ve been thinking about how I want to reply.

As I read about your struggles, I am reminded how super thankful I am that, in my life, I never felt bored or ever felt like staying home was repetitive and depressing. I just think that is a huge gift from God that I never had to jump over that hurdle. I know lots of women do face this hurdle, and find it very challenging. For me, while I have had other hurdles (which I should write about sometime) this was not one of them. 

In light of your struggle, I'd like to offer what I hope will be some constructive feedback. 

I think you make a mistake in that your argument, right from the start, focuses on what "studies say is good for kids” rather than looking at it from the perspective of obedience. 

I have found that there is no joy in doing something because of statistical evidence. None. But I have found great joy in doing something because God says so. Again and again, I’ve seen Him totally meet me and provide for me when I try to be obedient, even when it is against my “grain.” The most important question for a woman is this: will we trust Him enough to do what He says?

But if we’re talking about studies and statistics, studies show that it is best for moms to stay home with their kids. Having said that, however, what we’ve seen in South Jersey is that staying home and “being a mom” can be a form of idolatry also.

Perfectionistic, smothering, hovering, stressed out moms that have their kid in every sport possible, obsessively check PowerSchool, argue with teachers over test grades, and worry/gossip/slander other moms isn’t exactly what God has in mind.

But for all that, studies and statistics are a dime a dozen; and they are not the Bible, they are not God's Word. What matters is what God says in His Word about how women should their lives response to the Gospel. That must be the first factor in any decision making process. 

I’m not great with remembering Scriptures, but off the top of my head, w/o looking things up, I know God says women are to be (1) busy at home, (2) to be disciplining other/younger women, (3) to be loving/respecting their husbands. 

Then, Proverbs 31 certainly paints a picture of an industrious and gifted woman who works hard to provide for her children, and to ensure that her husband is honored at the city gates. 

Also a woman is called by God to train up her children; to exercise hospitality (lots of examples of this... not sure if there is a direct command... but it is implied in the description of elders & their wives) and last but not least, to care for the poor.

I am sure there are more, but w/o doing an actual Bible study, those are the first to come to my mind. My point is that there is no shortage here of creative opportunities for a brilliant woman to use her gifts for the glory of God in the world.

You describe struggling with your temperament your whole life, but the work of God is to transform our temperaments by the Holy Spirit. Transformation takes a woman’s whole life, but its worth it. I’ve struggled with things my whole life as well—different things than you have, but they are still struggles. Some things I’m only now seeing the first signs of growth and progress, and I’ve been following the Lord for almost 25 years!

In your case, with this struggle, Bobby is called by God to creatively work with you so that you can find God’s commands joyful. You and Bobby are to work together so that being home with your children (which is your primary calling) is a joy and not a burden, or boring, or drudgery.

That doesn’t mean you can’t, or don’t, do anything else. But there are hundreds of ways you can make your home, and your children, your primary area of ministry and service to Christ and still use your amazing brain. Keep in mind, we can be great examples to our children without necessarily “going to work” every day.

Also, I would caution you about talking as you do of other women being judgmental. I know that can be a problem among women, especially in this area. But the way you express it might leave the reader the impression that you don’t want others to stay anything contrary to what you think or say. 

I know ladies can be judgmental; I’ve been guilty of that myself at times. But think about this: why is it that our men can "hold each other accountable," (an acceptable thing, and something we encourage them to do) but if women do any sort of rebuke, holding out of truth, or offer input and even correction to another woman, it is somehow seen to be “judgmental" and the relationship is forever severed. Not fair, not right.

We can do better than that as women.

I hope this is helpful to you and the others who have read and responded to your note. Thanks again for sharing honestly.

Pictures of the Kids this Summer

Here are some pictures of the trip we took with the family to the Poconos. It was a lot of fun; we got to include Lydia's friend Mark, Fitch's friend Nathan, our dog Rocket, and other extended family on the Giancola side.