“When I grow up, I want to be just like my mom.” That is what I wrote as a journal entry back in 1st grade. I found it years ago when I went home from college and my mom told me to go thru some of my old things that were nearly forgotten in the basement. I’ve obviously grown up since then. I’m my own person, and have taken different roads than she took. For instance, I am the black sheep of the family in the sense that I don’t have the athletic prowess of my sister, my mom, or my dad, and I have had a few more children than she did! But, I’m realizing that my early wish has come true in many other ways.
Ironically, as women grow older they often become like their mother in many ways. This has been true for me, as my husband can testify--sometimes happily, sometimes not!
As my mom displayed a strong marriage, I hope to be just like her.
We can’t talk about my mom without talking about the love relationship that she shared with my dad. We all think BIKES when we think of them. It’s a perfect picture of their life together. Sometimes they rode together on the tandem. My dad leading and my mom eagerly adding her strength as the stoker. Other times, they rode separate bikes, different speeds, but always meeting up at the end with stories to share.
But, as we all know, it was not about the bike! It was their love for one another that shined. It was their commitment to love life, their friends, and their family that kept them together and that fueled my dad’s patient care for her over the past several years. He has set the bar high for all you men out there...if your wife gets sick, just ask my dad what to do. He could probably write a book.
She adored him, trusted him, enjoyed him.
I want to be like my mother in her selfless interest in the lives of others.
I think I saw in my mom, even at an early age, a joy and love for others that I wanted to adopt...she could talk to anyone. I know I was mortified more than once as I was growing up, as she started up a conversation with a perfect stranger. But now, guess what...I embarrass my own children all the time in the same way. I love to chat with the person standing in line in front of me or just about anyone that walks past. Here is another way I have become like my mother. It is a quality that has made me well suited to being a pastor’s wife.
I want to be like my mom in that she made her family a high priority.
She certainly valued dinners together as a family. In recent years, studies have come out that say that the family meal with interesting conversation is essential to building healthy family relations. Old news to my mom...she had been pushing for that for ages. In my family, I emphasize the family meal as well. As a matter of fact, at my house, I even have my mother’s dining table that my dad made for her when I was three. Many of you have actually eaten at that table.
We continued her family dinner tradition last week at Thanksgiving with my dad at my sister’s house in NH. Julia had said several times that we needed to set 15 place settings. 15. Ironically, that was one too many and we didn’t realize it until we all sat down. After an awkward moment of silence, we all laughed, poured an extra glass of wine, and sat Phil and Nathan on either side of the empty chair thinking she would have wanted to give her sons-in-law one more tongue lashing. I couldn’t help but want to call her--she would have gotten a fabulous laugh out of that one.
A few days after she died, I felt a sense of panic. I was afraid I didn’t know my mother well enough, that I didn’t have enough memories, that my memory of her was already fading. I think that is one reason we have these celebration services: we all get a chance to share stories of the loved one that has died. These stories get passed from generation to generation. I think that I speak for Julia as well as for myself, we would love for you to share those stories with us this week or give us a call when you think of something that you want to share.
In the Bible, in the book of Ecclesiastes, there is a verse that goes like this:
For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven, a time to be born, and a time to die...a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
I like to think that my mom would have wanted us to weep by laughing and mourn by dancing. May all of our lives be a song to which we and others can dance. The song that my mother danced to beats in my sister and I. Her chorus, while not perfect, was one of humor and of opinion and of love. That same chorus plays in our lives. Julia and I have written different verses, but the chorus is the same as hers.
Mom, I will miss you. I will miss hearing your voice on the other end of the phone. I hate to say it, but in recent years, I always knew you’d be home when I called, and I loved that. You would answer and listen and ask for more...more stories about my kids, more news, and then you would always say, “I love you, Honey” before hanging up. Thank you for loving me. Julia and I and your beautiful 9 grandchildren are your legacy--the mark you have left in the world.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Planter's Wife Perspecitve
Phil is going to a church planters meeting next week where they are going to talk about pastors' wives and what they struggle with most. He asked me to write down some of my thoughts from our experience thus far so that he will be prepared to participate in the discussion. I thought it would be nice to post my thoughts here on my blog as well!
Things that make my life different than the average woman on my block: (these are just observations....not necessarily complaints or struggles)
1. My husband works weird hours.
2. Many of my friends think my husband really doesn't work at all except on Sundays.
3. My house often has extra people at all hours of the day and night. I have to get rid of all notions that my house should be tidy for guests!
4. Having company for dinner is not a big event- it just happens without a big fanfare. Often!
5. My immediate family is not around.
6. For other ladies, their kids are the center of their world. All energies go into their kids. In a church planters' family, those energies are divided differently.
7. I am uniquely tied into my husband's work while they send their husbands off in the morning and have no part in his work. Seems like that would be a bit boring and hard on a marriage to have such a separation.
8. Our kids are part of my husband's work. What other family on the block has that dynamic going???
Good things:
1. My kids love having people over. They love knowing all sorts of people and having their world expanded beyond the confines of school.
2. I get to have lots of friends. A variety of friends. On the other hand, I have to have lots of friends and I can't discriminate like other ladies on who I like and who I don't like. I kind of have to like or extend myself for just about anyone regardless of whether I like them or not. :) (I generally like people tho unless they are extra needy- those people are really hard for me)
3. My husband has a flexible schedule and can help me.
4. My husband is forced to invest in our marriage. His livelihood depends on it. (not sure if that is a good way to put it, but...)
5. Working on a "project" together strengthens our relationship.
6. Our home/lifestyle is centered on something that is a bit risky (church planting) so we are "forced" to live by faith in a unique way...stimulating growth and maturity. I might not do that on my own if we were living a "normal" life.
7. I get to hear bits of the sermon all week long.
8. I have a say-so in church matters!
9. We get to be a part of people's stories! We get to hear what is going on in their lives and be used by God to help them grow. How exciting is that? To be a tool in God's hand is pretty darn exciting!!!
10. I have to listen well to the sermons because I have to give my husband feedback.
Struggles:
See all of the above because things that are good also have a bad side!
1. I am not near my extended family so I don't have the help that other people do...but then again, I dont have to deal with some of the headaches/drama that come with extended family.
2. It takes work to get "fed" spiritually and I often don't have the energy to do that work.
3. I am increasingly aware that people can see it on my face when I am stressed. Ex. Elena is acutely aware when I am flustered. Another one- Seth commented once when I was sitting down how odd it was to see me do that.
4. I feel like I am stretched really thin lately.
5. My house, to me seems like it is a mess because there is always something going on. I sometimes feel jealous of other women whose houses are so neat and tidy and under control.
6. Money is tight.
I keep trying to think of struggles...but sort of see the struggles as good things as well- so, it is a hard list to make.
Things that make my life different than the average woman on my block: (these are just observations....not necessarily complaints or struggles)
1. My husband works weird hours.
2. Many of my friends think my husband really doesn't work at all except on Sundays.
3. My house often has extra people at all hours of the day and night. I have to get rid of all notions that my house should be tidy for guests!
4. Having company for dinner is not a big event- it just happens without a big fanfare. Often!
5. My immediate family is not around.
6. For other ladies, their kids are the center of their world. All energies go into their kids. In a church planters' family, those energies are divided differently.
7. I am uniquely tied into my husband's work while they send their husbands off in the morning and have no part in his work. Seems like that would be a bit boring and hard on a marriage to have such a separation.
8. Our kids are part of my husband's work. What other family on the block has that dynamic going???
Good things:
1. My kids love having people over. They love knowing all sorts of people and having their world expanded beyond the confines of school.
2. I get to have lots of friends. A variety of friends. On the other hand, I have to have lots of friends and I can't discriminate like other ladies on who I like and who I don't like. I kind of have to like or extend myself for just about anyone regardless of whether I like them or not. :) (I generally like people tho unless they are extra needy- those people are really hard for me)
3. My husband has a flexible schedule and can help me.
4. My husband is forced to invest in our marriage. His livelihood depends on it. (not sure if that is a good way to put it, but...)
5. Working on a "project" together strengthens our relationship.
6. Our home/lifestyle is centered on something that is a bit risky (church planting) so we are "forced" to live by faith in a unique way...stimulating growth and maturity. I might not do that on my own if we were living a "normal" life.
7. I get to hear bits of the sermon all week long.
8. I have a say-so in church matters!
9. We get to be a part of people's stories! We get to hear what is going on in their lives and be used by God to help them grow. How exciting is that? To be a tool in God's hand is pretty darn exciting!!!
10. I have to listen well to the sermons because I have to give my husband feedback.
Struggles:
See all of the above because things that are good also have a bad side!
1. I am not near my extended family so I don't have the help that other people do...but then again, I dont have to deal with some of the headaches/drama that come with extended family.
2. It takes work to get "fed" spiritually and I often don't have the energy to do that work.
3. I am increasingly aware that people can see it on my face when I am stressed. Ex. Elena is acutely aware when I am flustered. Another one- Seth commented once when I was sitting down how odd it was to see me do that.
4. I feel like I am stretched really thin lately.
5. My house, to me seems like it is a mess because there is always something going on. I sometimes feel jealous of other women whose houses are so neat and tidy and under control.
6. Money is tight.
I keep trying to think of struggles...but sort of see the struggles as good things as well- so, it is a hard list to make.
Friday, February 11, 2011
We are No Longer Cute and other Revelations
We just celebrated our "baby's" 5th birthday. It is still hard to believe that she has been around for 5 years. Yes, she walks, talks, eats and dresses on her own. Even buckles herself into her own car seat. Such new "freedoms" I am experiencing as a mom. I am no longer wiping bottoms, no longer making baby food, or buying darling onesies and sippy cups. Our household has moved on to "personal bests" in winter track, "for-profit" snow shoveling, and after school tutoring. As busy as I thought I was when I was measuring my day in terms of baby feedings and naps, I now find that I long for those simple, simple days!
I have been in the airport several times in the past year visiting my mom in Tucson. I love to watch the movement of traveling people. The couples with small children are especially cute to watch. They have their fancy stroller loaded down with toys and diapers. Dad is patiently walking behind the toddling little one. Mom is checking to make sure she has everything set to entertain a confined baby for a few hours en route to where ever they are going. As frazzled as those parents seem, they look so young and cute, in an odd way, fresh. I always identify with those young parents like I am part of their club, The Alliance of Cute Young Parents.
This past trip though, I had a jolting revelation. I am no longer a part of that Club! I have started giving talks- lectures even- to those young, hip newbies. I hear myself thinking, "Been there. Done that," when I pass by. I threw out my old unsexy stroller. I don't have a stylish diaper bag. And I don't travel with a bundle of toys and snacks. We are no longer members of the ACYP.
What are we now as we traipse thru an airport with our entourage of walking, talking, bag carrying children- some of which are on the verge of adulthood? My husband has passed the forty year mark and I can see it from my seat. I was shocked this past trip to realize that we could be grandparents- when hell freezes over, mind you, but it is possible!
The other revelation, that is not such a jolt is that I love the stage of life in which we find ourselves. What a thrill to sit around our big kitchen table and hear about the childrens' days, to hear them question and dream. To rejoice with them over their successes and press them forward when they mess up. Even the mess of back packs, books, and shoes, shoes, shoes is exciting- a real pain sometimes, but exciting none the less. (Ever wonder how many pairs of shoes a family of 8 owns? I'll give you a buck if you come over and count them all!)
One final revelation: (and I know that for many, this is not new stuff) I have had to come to grips with fact that the "staff job complete" principle doesn't really apply to mothering or running a household. Can I be free from the tyranny of thinking I need to check everything off of my list and close up shop at the end of the day? My job will never be "complete" until Jesus calls me home, so why do I frustrate myself by constantly telling myself that I am "behind" in my work, that I have to catch up, that there are too many things left undone? I need to accept the on-going nature of my job as a homemaker and not get "my panties in a wad" over a pile of laundry, a week of unplanned meals, or my third grader's report card full of B's. When I hit the gates of Heaven, I will hear those blessed words, "Staff job complete, my faithful daughter." But until then, I have the comforting arm of my Savior strengthening me, leading me, and caring for me as I face the "unfinishable" business of being a wife, mother, and home manager.
I mentioned that 40 is in my near future. People always told me that your 40's is a time of new freedoms and less cares. Well, I am noticing that they are right! I want to dress wild, paint wild colors throughout my house and even spend a fortune to buy a dog. Watch out world!
I have been in the airport several times in the past year visiting my mom in Tucson. I love to watch the movement of traveling people. The couples with small children are especially cute to watch. They have their fancy stroller loaded down with toys and diapers. Dad is patiently walking behind the toddling little one. Mom is checking to make sure she has everything set to entertain a confined baby for a few hours en route to where ever they are going. As frazzled as those parents seem, they look so young and cute, in an odd way, fresh. I always identify with those young parents like I am part of their club, The Alliance of Cute Young Parents.
This past trip though, I had a jolting revelation. I am no longer a part of that Club! I have started giving talks- lectures even- to those young, hip newbies. I hear myself thinking, "Been there. Done that," when I pass by. I threw out my old unsexy stroller. I don't have a stylish diaper bag. And I don't travel with a bundle of toys and snacks. We are no longer members of the ACYP.
What are we now as we traipse thru an airport with our entourage of walking, talking, bag carrying children- some of which are on the verge of adulthood? My husband has passed the forty year mark and I can see it from my seat. I was shocked this past trip to realize that we could be grandparents- when hell freezes over, mind you, but it is possible!
The other revelation, that is not such a jolt is that I love the stage of life in which we find ourselves. What a thrill to sit around our big kitchen table and hear about the childrens' days, to hear them question and dream. To rejoice with them over their successes and press them forward when they mess up. Even the mess of back packs, books, and shoes, shoes, shoes is exciting- a real pain sometimes, but exciting none the less. (Ever wonder how many pairs of shoes a family of 8 owns? I'll give you a buck if you come over and count them all!)
One final revelation: (and I know that for many, this is not new stuff) I have had to come to grips with fact that the "staff job complete" principle doesn't really apply to mothering or running a household. Can I be free from the tyranny of thinking I need to check everything off of my list and close up shop at the end of the day? My job will never be "complete" until Jesus calls me home, so why do I frustrate myself by constantly telling myself that I am "behind" in my work, that I have to catch up, that there are too many things left undone? I need to accept the on-going nature of my job as a homemaker and not get "my panties in a wad" over a pile of laundry, a week of unplanned meals, or my third grader's report card full of B's. When I hit the gates of Heaven, I will hear those blessed words, "Staff job complete, my faithful daughter." But until then, I have the comforting arm of my Savior strengthening me, leading me, and caring for me as I face the "unfinishable" business of being a wife, mother, and home manager.
I mentioned that 40 is in my near future. People always told me that your 40's is a time of new freedoms and less cares. Well, I am noticing that they are right! I want to dress wild, paint wild colors throughout my house and even spend a fortune to buy a dog. Watch out world!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Notes from a talk on parenting that I gave on 1/20/11
I. Introduction
It is true that my husband and I have 6 kids. We figured out how to make it stop, so our almost 5 year old is the last. I’m really excited to be here....
My oldest is 15 and my youngest is almost 5. I have 4 girls and 2 boys. In case you are interested, we are a very ordered family.... girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, girl. right, left, right, left, right, left. All born on a Wednesday except for one... late Tuesday night. Couldn’t have planned it better myself. I love having a big family...it is certainly not for everyone, but I would encourage more families to step out and try it, because it can be really fun.
Unfortunately, there is no formula for parenting. It would be awful nice if you could go home today and have a recipe for making your kids behave, but each family is dealt different personalities, different resources, different baggage to carry.
There are a ton of books out there on parenting, some bad, some good. I would like to share with you, some of our philosophy and strategy that has worked for us and that we have seen work for other families.
I am going to talk about the philosophy of the home and family, the importance of the health of your marriage, your God given authority in your home, and finally, the actual nuts and bolts of disciplining your children. Then, I hope we have time for some questions.
But first, I would like to share with you some of the things that I have never done with my children:
1. I have never used a time out
2. I have never counted to 4
3. I have never used a sticker chart
4. I have never put latches on my cabinets
5. I have never withheld dessert as punishment
6. I have never chased a children to do a diaper change.
7. Only once did I let a child sleep in my bed... I spent about two weeks dealing with the fall out!
8. I have only been hit by one of my children once... once and only once. Believe me, it never happened again.
II. Philosophy of the home/family
Parenting starts with a philosophy of the family and the home. Here is a good verse about the home:
Proverbs 24:3-4 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is estabilished. And by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
The family needs to have a sense of community, a shared story, a common bond of work and play. The home is a place of comfort, encouragement, a refuge, a place of safety, and spiritual formation (accountability, spiritual instruction). A place where burdens are shared broadly and not just carried alone. The home is a place where failure is okay because kids can be loved enough to be disciplined, trained, and given the chance to try again.
This goes for parents as well. We will make many mistakes in our parenting. We can never be perfect in how we relate to our children. You and I both come to our role as parents with issues and inconsistencies. Whatever your failings, I want you to know that God has a plan for your kids. Your job is to submit to Him. Participate with Him in His plan and not to hinder it.
We have to see the grace of God as we parent. We will never be perfect but He is. Our job as parents is to point the children to the One perfect Father. You want your kids to eat, breath, sleep, and in every way experience the grace of God at home.
I take this basis for the home very seriously. If these things aren’t in place, you won’t have much of anything else. Without it, you have a recipe for depression, addiction, divorce, and in some cases even suicide. As a pastor’s wife, I have made a habit of studying the trends of domestic violence, addictions, and adultery in women. The stories I hear are scary. We need to take great care with the way we view God, and how we relate to our husbands and children.
Child rearing is not primarily about obedience training as much as it is about spiritual formation. The goal in our parenting is
to encourage our children to love God,
to model healthy relationships for them,
and to help our children form self-awareness or self-regard.
We want them to find their God given gifts for service in their communities.
Our goal is to help them see the world thru the lens of the Bible and have a sense of calling/purpose in the world.
III. Importance of the husband/wife relationship
The marriage is the primary relationship in the home. Your parenting starts there because marital harmony infuses stability in the family
Let’s face it, marriage isn’t easy. What you thought would be the easiest, funnest, most enjoyable relationship in your life, actually takes work. Getting two sinners to live life together in peace with or with out kids is not easy.
If you are struggling, get help... talk to a pastor, an older couple, there are lots of good books out there, make an effort personally to keep the relationship alive.
Don’t let parenting or your kids sabbatoge the husband/wife relationship.... maintain date night, let the kids see you sit down and talk together on the couch. “This is mommy’s time and mommy comes first. I will play with you as soon as I am done listening to mommy.” Don’t wait until after they go to bed. They need to see your relationship flourish.
Parenting is a team sport and needs a game plan that both parents can agree to and implement. Sit down with your husband and talk about your children’s strengths and weaknesses. How are you, as a couple, shoring up their weaknesses and encouraging their strengths? What are your short term and long term goals for your children? What strategy are you going to have to implement those goals?
It takes work and discipline to reach those goals. Goals don’t just happen by themselves.
IV. Your authority
My next point may seem obvious, but it is the bed rock for your day with your child and time and time again, I see that moms just don’t get it.
Here it is....You are in charge. Not your children. Act like it. You are the one able to control your emotions. Not them. Be the adult. You are the one with experience, wisdom, and common sense, the one with the ability to think ahead and plan.
So many mom’s simply arent’ present with/for their kids... they are busy on Facebook, surfing the web, talking endlessly on the phone, watching mindless TV shows, or just plain being selfish. Some of the things we choose to do are "good" things, but represent an overcommitment. Pay attention to your children. I just read an article yesterday about a child in CO who drowned in the tub while his mom was in the other room on Facebook. Notice when your kids are not behaving appropriatly- when they are playing with something they shouldn’t, when they are throwing a fit- and do something about it. So often, they are just trying to get your attention!
Love them enough to put down what you are doing, get off your butt, and take the time and energy to to train them, correct them, and to direct them.
God is God and you are His agent.
V. Training and Discipline
The point of training and disciplining your children is not:
so you look good in public
a means of venting your frustrations or anger
a way of getting even with your child
a way of gaining more control over your life or to have a perfectly ordered home.
It is a means of raising morally responsible and biblically responsive children. The goal, contrary to popular belief, is not to make your child happy.
as a matter of fact....
Hebrews 12:11 says, All discipline for the moment seems not be be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Proverbs 23:15 says, Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.... the next verse says that disciplining your child will “rescue his soul from hell.”
Read those verses and try to tell me that your job is to make your kid happy!
We approach our parenting in a very directive way.
Freedoms, in the early months and years are very, very limited. As the children grow and mature, freedoms are earned as responsible behavior is demonstrated. Early on, we don’t give them many choices. From day one, when it comes to eating, I am in charge of the schedule, not the baby. Nor are they given the freedom to be awake or sleep where ever and when ever they want.
As they move up to the high chair and eventually the dinner table, I’m in charge of what they eat- not them. Because I am the adult, and my child has very little, if any decision making capabilities, those things are primarily up to me. Yes, there are tears and it takes work to make that happen, it is inconvenient... but it is worth it.
By only allowing age appropriate freedoms, your children will gain a measure of self control. Less freedom will yield a greater level of self control. The freedoms you grant your child should be on par with the level of self control they have.
For example, the freedom to play with the remote control or play in the tupperware drawer at 6 months old is not age appropriate. The remote control is a tool, not a toy to bang on the coffee table or drool on. The tupperware is for food storage not for making a mess on your kitchen floor that you have to clean up.
We actually tell our kids that they are not old enough to make their own decisions until they are 9 years old. Until then, they need to do as they are told or ask if they want to do something. Now in reality, that doesn’t always happen. But the concept is... that until you have demonstrated that you have the wisdom to obey, you don’t have the wisdom to make decsions for yourself. At age 9, we give them a lot more freedom to make choices and they basically get discipled in making decisions. Sometimes they fall flat on their face with a decision, but that’s when we get to talk thru what choices they made.
The idea is to be proactive and directive, not reactive and restricted.
You want to be training, not retraining. You want to be giving freedoms, not taking them back.
Lets take the high chair as an example.... left to their own devices, a child will dump the contents of the plate on the floor and smear food all over their face, scream when they want more, and only eat what they want to eat. These things may be funny and cute, but lets’ be honest, the clean up is a pain and you can’t take that kid to a restaurant.
On the flip side, how about, right from the start, teaching them good high chair behavior. Teaching the child to keep their hands quietly under the tray while you feed them, to use sign language to ask for more, and firmly correcting throwing food or kicking and screaming when they are set in the chair.
Here’s another example. Your child has your favorite book in her hand and she is starting to drool on it. Do you just grab it from her? or have you trained her to place something in your hand when you ask her to with out force. This comes in handy when they have something breakable or dangerous in their hands. “Maggie, give it to mama.” I put my hand out and she sets it in my hand.
It’s almost like playing Simon Says at times. I will start working with them on something even before I expect them to be able to do it. For example, it is a very important skill for them to be able to come when they are called. as soon as the child is mobile, I set them on one side of the room and I am a few feet away. I say, “Come, Grace!” with a smile on my face... and I physically pick her up and bring her to me, and I say, good girl! Come! And we do it again. Several times a day... eventually, she recognizes the phrase and my tone of voice and she comes when she is called. If she starts to go the other way, I give a firm, “No, Grace. Come!”... It may sound like dog training, but let me tell you... they come cheerfully and I am never late for an appointment simply because I was chasing my child around the house trying to get their coat on or to change their diaper. There are other reasons why I am late... but that is not one of them.
Another important element for our home is that we move the younger children thru their day in a directed fashion. I have provided a sample schedule for a preschoolers day. As we know, routine and structure is important for a child. It is important for you as well, so you are not just dealing with crisis after crisis all day long and you can actually get a few things done. Think of age appropriate activities for your child and move them thru those activities at intervals thru out the day. Let’s look at the example......
Next, let’s define obedience... true obedience happens immediately, completely, without challenge, and without complaint.
Obedience comes first, like I said before, by being the adult that you are supposed to be. Have you taught the child to do what you want them to do? For example, do they know how to put their toys away? Have you shown them clearly? Have you gone over it several times?
Make eye contact with the child, telling her what you want her to do, making sure she understands, getting a verbal agreement “Yes, ma’am”, watching that she does it, then checking her work and correcting if need be. Tedious? Yes, but done enough times, you will see results.
Do we use rewards? No, actually we don’t. Rewards is bribery to be honest. From my perspective, it encourages greed and selfish interest. We expect the kids to do what we ask when we ask them. They are to do it because it is the right thing to do. We consistently train them. We don’t use empty threats. If we say they will get disciplined, they will. If there is an offense, we give it immediate attention. They know that. They are praised when they do a good job and corrected when they don’t. It is as simple as that.
To sum up, let me give you some basic principles of instruction:
1. When you speak to a child in a way that requires an answer or an action, you should expect an immediate and complete response.
2. Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed.
3. Be consistent. The child who is corrected consistently for failing to obey is better adjusted than the child whose discipline is inconsistent or incomplete. Consistency provides security and freedom.
4. Require eye contact when giving face to face instruction.
5. Use your God given wisdom regarding a situation...don’t just react in fear or frustration.
Talk to one another. You may think that you have it all together and your kids are fine. But you are all going thru the same things. As women, we need each other. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are struggling with something and ask for advise. There is a lot of wisdom right here in this room. Sometimes, we tend to just complain to one another, but be open to getting advise and following it rather than just complaining.
Conclusion
I love talking about this stuff with other moms. Each mom’s situation is unique, but following some basic guidelines goes a long way.
God is at the focal point of your home... not your kids.
Keep your marriage alive because God wants you to and because it provides the stability that your children need.
Remember that you are in charge... use your God given authority with your kids.
And finally, train and discipline your children in love. You will be greatly rewarded with kids that are fun to be around, that you can trust, and that are equipped to make wise choices.
It is true that my husband and I have 6 kids. We figured out how to make it stop, so our almost 5 year old is the last. I’m really excited to be here....
My oldest is 15 and my youngest is almost 5. I have 4 girls and 2 boys. In case you are interested, we are a very ordered family.... girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, girl. right, left, right, left, right, left. All born on a Wednesday except for one... late Tuesday night. Couldn’t have planned it better myself. I love having a big family...it is certainly not for everyone, but I would encourage more families to step out and try it, because it can be really fun.
Unfortunately, there is no formula for parenting. It would be awful nice if you could go home today and have a recipe for making your kids behave, but each family is dealt different personalities, different resources, different baggage to carry.
There are a ton of books out there on parenting, some bad, some good. I would like to share with you, some of our philosophy and strategy that has worked for us and that we have seen work for other families.
I am going to talk about the philosophy of the home and family, the importance of the health of your marriage, your God given authority in your home, and finally, the actual nuts and bolts of disciplining your children. Then, I hope we have time for some questions.
But first, I would like to share with you some of the things that I have never done with my children:
1. I have never used a time out
2. I have never counted to 4
3. I have never used a sticker chart
4. I have never put latches on my cabinets
5. I have never withheld dessert as punishment
6. I have never chased a children to do a diaper change.
7. Only once did I let a child sleep in my bed... I spent about two weeks dealing with the fall out!
8. I have only been hit by one of my children once... once and only once. Believe me, it never happened again.
II. Philosophy of the home/family
Parenting starts with a philosophy of the family and the home. Here is a good verse about the home:
Proverbs 24:3-4 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is estabilished. And by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
The family needs to have a sense of community, a shared story, a common bond of work and play. The home is a place of comfort, encouragement, a refuge, a place of safety, and spiritual formation (accountability, spiritual instruction). A place where burdens are shared broadly and not just carried alone. The home is a place where failure is okay because kids can be loved enough to be disciplined, trained, and given the chance to try again.
This goes for parents as well. We will make many mistakes in our parenting. We can never be perfect in how we relate to our children. You and I both come to our role as parents with issues and inconsistencies. Whatever your failings, I want you to know that God has a plan for your kids. Your job is to submit to Him. Participate with Him in His plan and not to hinder it.
We have to see the grace of God as we parent. We will never be perfect but He is. Our job as parents is to point the children to the One perfect Father. You want your kids to eat, breath, sleep, and in every way experience the grace of God at home.
I take this basis for the home very seriously. If these things aren’t in place, you won’t have much of anything else. Without it, you have a recipe for depression, addiction, divorce, and in some cases even suicide. As a pastor’s wife, I have made a habit of studying the trends of domestic violence, addictions, and adultery in women. The stories I hear are scary. We need to take great care with the way we view God, and how we relate to our husbands and children.
Child rearing is not primarily about obedience training as much as it is about spiritual formation. The goal in our parenting is
to encourage our children to love God,
to model healthy relationships for them,
and to help our children form self-awareness or self-regard.
We want them to find their God given gifts for service in their communities.
Our goal is to help them see the world thru the lens of the Bible and have a sense of calling/purpose in the world.
III. Importance of the husband/wife relationship
The marriage is the primary relationship in the home. Your parenting starts there because marital harmony infuses stability in the family
Let’s face it, marriage isn’t easy. What you thought would be the easiest, funnest, most enjoyable relationship in your life, actually takes work. Getting two sinners to live life together in peace with or with out kids is not easy.
If you are struggling, get help... talk to a pastor, an older couple, there are lots of good books out there, make an effort personally to keep the relationship alive.
Don’t let parenting or your kids sabbatoge the husband/wife relationship.... maintain date night, let the kids see you sit down and talk together on the couch. “This is mommy’s time and mommy comes first. I will play with you as soon as I am done listening to mommy.” Don’t wait until after they go to bed. They need to see your relationship flourish.
Parenting is a team sport and needs a game plan that both parents can agree to and implement. Sit down with your husband and talk about your children’s strengths and weaknesses. How are you, as a couple, shoring up their weaknesses and encouraging their strengths? What are your short term and long term goals for your children? What strategy are you going to have to implement those goals?
It takes work and discipline to reach those goals. Goals don’t just happen by themselves.
IV. Your authority
My next point may seem obvious, but it is the bed rock for your day with your child and time and time again, I see that moms just don’t get it.
Here it is....You are in charge. Not your children. Act like it. You are the one able to control your emotions. Not them. Be the adult. You are the one with experience, wisdom, and common sense, the one with the ability to think ahead and plan.
So many mom’s simply arent’ present with/for their kids... they are busy on Facebook, surfing the web, talking endlessly on the phone, watching mindless TV shows, or just plain being selfish. Some of the things we choose to do are "good" things, but represent an overcommitment. Pay attention to your children. I just read an article yesterday about a child in CO who drowned in the tub while his mom was in the other room on Facebook. Notice when your kids are not behaving appropriatly- when they are playing with something they shouldn’t, when they are throwing a fit- and do something about it. So often, they are just trying to get your attention!
Love them enough to put down what you are doing, get off your butt, and take the time and energy to to train them, correct them, and to direct them.
God is God and you are His agent.
V. Training and Discipline
The point of training and disciplining your children is not:
so you look good in public
a means of venting your frustrations or anger
a way of getting even with your child
a way of gaining more control over your life or to have a perfectly ordered home.
It is a means of raising morally responsible and biblically responsive children. The goal, contrary to popular belief, is not to make your child happy.
as a matter of fact....
Hebrews 12:11 says, All discipline for the moment seems not be be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Proverbs 23:15 says, Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.... the next verse says that disciplining your child will “rescue his soul from hell.”
Read those verses and try to tell me that your job is to make your kid happy!
We approach our parenting in a very directive way.
Freedoms, in the early months and years are very, very limited. As the children grow and mature, freedoms are earned as responsible behavior is demonstrated. Early on, we don’t give them many choices. From day one, when it comes to eating, I am in charge of the schedule, not the baby. Nor are they given the freedom to be awake or sleep where ever and when ever they want.
As they move up to the high chair and eventually the dinner table, I’m in charge of what they eat- not them. Because I am the adult, and my child has very little, if any decision making capabilities, those things are primarily up to me. Yes, there are tears and it takes work to make that happen, it is inconvenient... but it is worth it.
By only allowing age appropriate freedoms, your children will gain a measure of self control. Less freedom will yield a greater level of self control. The freedoms you grant your child should be on par with the level of self control they have.
For example, the freedom to play with the remote control or play in the tupperware drawer at 6 months old is not age appropriate. The remote control is a tool, not a toy to bang on the coffee table or drool on. The tupperware is for food storage not for making a mess on your kitchen floor that you have to clean up.
We actually tell our kids that they are not old enough to make their own decisions until they are 9 years old. Until then, they need to do as they are told or ask if they want to do something. Now in reality, that doesn’t always happen. But the concept is... that until you have demonstrated that you have the wisdom to obey, you don’t have the wisdom to make decsions for yourself. At age 9, we give them a lot more freedom to make choices and they basically get discipled in making decisions. Sometimes they fall flat on their face with a decision, but that’s when we get to talk thru what choices they made.
The idea is to be proactive and directive, not reactive and restricted.
You want to be training, not retraining. You want to be giving freedoms, not taking them back.
Lets take the high chair as an example.... left to their own devices, a child will dump the contents of the plate on the floor and smear food all over their face, scream when they want more, and only eat what they want to eat. These things may be funny and cute, but lets’ be honest, the clean up is a pain and you can’t take that kid to a restaurant.
On the flip side, how about, right from the start, teaching them good high chair behavior. Teaching the child to keep their hands quietly under the tray while you feed them, to use sign language to ask for more, and firmly correcting throwing food or kicking and screaming when they are set in the chair.
Here’s another example. Your child has your favorite book in her hand and she is starting to drool on it. Do you just grab it from her? or have you trained her to place something in your hand when you ask her to with out force. This comes in handy when they have something breakable or dangerous in their hands. “Maggie, give it to mama.” I put my hand out and she sets it in my hand.
It’s almost like playing Simon Says at times. I will start working with them on something even before I expect them to be able to do it. For example, it is a very important skill for them to be able to come when they are called. as soon as the child is mobile, I set them on one side of the room and I am a few feet away. I say, “Come, Grace!” with a smile on my face... and I physically pick her up and bring her to me, and I say, good girl! Come! And we do it again. Several times a day... eventually, she recognizes the phrase and my tone of voice and she comes when she is called. If she starts to go the other way, I give a firm, “No, Grace. Come!”... It may sound like dog training, but let me tell you... they come cheerfully and I am never late for an appointment simply because I was chasing my child around the house trying to get their coat on or to change their diaper. There are other reasons why I am late... but that is not one of them.
Another important element for our home is that we move the younger children thru their day in a directed fashion. I have provided a sample schedule for a preschoolers day. As we know, routine and structure is important for a child. It is important for you as well, so you are not just dealing with crisis after crisis all day long and you can actually get a few things done. Think of age appropriate activities for your child and move them thru those activities at intervals thru out the day. Let’s look at the example......
Next, let’s define obedience... true obedience happens immediately, completely, without challenge, and without complaint.
Obedience comes first, like I said before, by being the adult that you are supposed to be. Have you taught the child to do what you want them to do? For example, do they know how to put their toys away? Have you shown them clearly? Have you gone over it several times?
Make eye contact with the child, telling her what you want her to do, making sure she understands, getting a verbal agreement “Yes, ma’am”, watching that she does it, then checking her work and correcting if need be. Tedious? Yes, but done enough times, you will see results.
Do we use rewards? No, actually we don’t. Rewards is bribery to be honest. From my perspective, it encourages greed and selfish interest. We expect the kids to do what we ask when we ask them. They are to do it because it is the right thing to do. We consistently train them. We don’t use empty threats. If we say they will get disciplined, they will. If there is an offense, we give it immediate attention. They know that. They are praised when they do a good job and corrected when they don’t. It is as simple as that.
To sum up, let me give you some basic principles of instruction:
1. When you speak to a child in a way that requires an answer or an action, you should expect an immediate and complete response.
2. Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed.
3. Be consistent. The child who is corrected consistently for failing to obey is better adjusted than the child whose discipline is inconsistent or incomplete. Consistency provides security and freedom.
4. Require eye contact when giving face to face instruction.
5. Use your God given wisdom regarding a situation...don’t just react in fear or frustration.
Talk to one another. You may think that you have it all together and your kids are fine. But you are all going thru the same things. As women, we need each other. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are struggling with something and ask for advise. There is a lot of wisdom right here in this room. Sometimes, we tend to just complain to one another, but be open to getting advise and following it rather than just complaining.
Conclusion
I love talking about this stuff with other moms. Each mom’s situation is unique, but following some basic guidelines goes a long way.
God is at the focal point of your home... not your kids.
Keep your marriage alive because God wants you to and because it provides the stability that your children need.
Remember that you are in charge... use your God given authority with your kids.
And finally, train and discipline your children in love. You will be greatly rewarded with kids that are fun to be around, that you can trust, and that are equipped to make wise choices.
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