Notes from a talk on parenting that I gave on 1/20/11

I. Introduction
It is true that my husband and I have 6 kids. We figured out how to make it stop, so our almost 5 year old is the last. I’m really excited to be here....

My oldest is 15 and my youngest is almost 5. I have 4 girls and 2 boys. In case you are interested, we are a very ordered family.... girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, girl. right, left, right, left, right, left. All born on a Wednesday except for one... late Tuesday night. Couldn’t have planned it better myself. I love having a big family...it is certainly not for everyone, but I would encourage more families to step out and try it, because it can be really fun.

Unfortunately, there is no formula for parenting. It would be awful nice if you could go home today and have a recipe for making your kids behave, but each family is dealt different personalities, different resources, different baggage to carry.

There are a ton of books out there on parenting, some bad, some good. I would like to share with you, some of our philosophy and strategy that has worked for us and that we have seen work for other families.

I am going to talk about the philosophy of the home and family, the importance of the health of your marriage, your God given authority in your home, and finally, the actual nuts and bolts of disciplining your children. Then, I hope we have time for some questions.

But first, I would like to share with you some of the things that I have never done with my children:

1. I have never used a time out
2. I have never counted to 4
3. I have never used a sticker chart
4. I have never put latches on my cabinets
5. I have never withheld dessert as punishment
6. I have never chased a children to do a diaper change.
7. Only once did I let a child sleep in my bed... I spent about two weeks dealing with the fall out!
8. I have only been hit by one of my children once... once and only once. Believe me, it never happened again.



II. Philosophy of the home/family

Parenting starts with a philosophy of the family and the home. Here is a good verse about the home:

Proverbs 24:3-4 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is estabilished. And by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

The family needs to have a sense of community, a shared story, a common bond of work and play. The home is a place of comfort, encouragement, a refuge, a place of safety, and spiritual formation (accountability, spiritual instruction). A place where burdens are shared broadly and not just carried alone. The home is a place where failure is okay because kids can be loved enough to be disciplined, trained, and given the chance to try again.

This goes for parents as well. We will make many mistakes in our parenting. We can never be perfect in how we relate to our children. You and I both come to our role as parents with issues and inconsistencies. Whatever your failings, I want you to know that God has a plan for your kids. Your job is to submit to Him. Participate with Him in His plan and not to hinder it.

We have to see the grace of God as we parent. We will never be perfect but He is. Our job as parents is to point the children to the One perfect Father. You want your kids to eat, breath, sleep, and in every way experience the grace of God at home.

I take this basis for the home very seriously. If these things aren’t in place, you won’t have much of anything else. Without it, you have a recipe for depression, addiction, divorce, and in some cases even suicide. As a pastor’s wife, I have made a habit of studying the trends of domestic violence, addictions, and adultery in women. The stories I hear are scary. We need to take great care with the way we view God, and how we relate to our husbands and children.

Child rearing is not primarily about obedience training as much as it is about spiritual formation. The goal in our parenting is
to encourage our children to love God,
to model healthy relationships for them,
and to help our children form self-awareness or self-regard.
We want them to find their God given gifts for service in their communities.
Our goal is to help them see the world thru the lens of the Bible and have a sense of calling/purpose in the world.


III. Importance of the husband/wife relationship

The marriage is the primary relationship in the home. Your parenting starts there because marital harmony infuses stability in the family

Let’s face it, marriage isn’t easy. What you thought would be the easiest, funnest, most enjoyable relationship in your life, actually takes work. Getting two sinners to live life together in peace with or with out kids is not easy.

If you are struggling, get help... talk to a pastor, an older couple, there are lots of good books out there, make an effort personally to keep the relationship alive.

Don’t let parenting or your kids sabbatoge the husband/wife relationship.... maintain date night, let the kids see you sit down and talk together on the couch. “This is mommy’s time and mommy comes first. I will play with you as soon as I am done listening to mommy.” Don’t wait until after they go to bed. They need to see your relationship flourish.

Parenting is a team sport and needs a game plan that both parents can agree to and implement. Sit down with your husband and talk about your children’s strengths and weaknesses. How are you, as a couple, shoring up their weaknesses and encouraging their strengths? What are your short term and long term goals for your children? What strategy are you going to have to implement those goals?

It takes work and discipline to reach those goals. Goals don’t just happen by themselves.

IV. Your authority
My next point may seem obvious, but it is the bed rock for your day with your child and time and time again, I see that moms just don’t get it.
Here it is....You are in charge. Not your children. Act like it. You are the one able to control your emotions. Not them. Be the adult. You are the one with experience, wisdom, and common sense, the one with the ability to think ahead and plan.

So many mom’s simply arent’ present with/for their kids... they are busy on Facebook, surfing the web, talking endlessly on the phone, watching mindless TV shows, or just plain being selfish. Some of the things we choose to do are "good" things, but represent an overcommitment. Pay attention to your children. I just read an article yesterday about a child in CO who drowned in the tub while his mom was in the other room on Facebook. Notice when your kids are not behaving appropriatly- when they are playing with something they shouldn’t, when they are throwing a fit- and do something about it. So often, they are just trying to get your attention!
Love them enough to put down what you are doing, get off your butt, and take the time and energy to to train them, correct them, and to direct them.

God is God and you are His agent.

V. Training and Discipline

The point of training and disciplining your children is not:
so you look good in public
a means of venting your frustrations or anger
a way of getting even with your child
a way of gaining more control over your life or to have a perfectly ordered home.
It is a means of raising morally responsible and biblically responsive children. The goal, contrary to popular belief, is not to make your child happy.
as a matter of fact....

Hebrews 12:11 says, All discipline for the moment seems not be be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Proverbs 23:15 says, Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.... the next verse says that disciplining your child will “rescue his soul from hell.”

Read those verses and try to tell me that your job is to make your kid happy!

We approach our parenting in a very directive way.

Freedoms, in the early months and years are very, very limited. As the children grow and mature, freedoms are earned as responsible behavior is demonstrated. Early on, we don’t give them many choices. From day one, when it comes to eating, I am in charge of the schedule, not the baby. Nor are they given the freedom to be awake or sleep where ever and when ever they want.

As they move up to the high chair and eventually the dinner table, I’m in charge of what they eat- not them. Because I am the adult, and my child has very little, if any decision making capabilities, those things are primarily up to me. Yes, there are tears and it takes work to make that happen, it is inconvenient... but it is worth it.

By only allowing age appropriate freedoms, your children will gain a measure of self control. Less freedom will yield a greater level of self control. The freedoms you grant your child should be on par with the level of self control they have.

For example, the freedom to play with the remote control or play in the tupperware drawer at 6 months old is not age appropriate. The remote control is a tool, not a toy to bang on the coffee table or drool on. The tupperware is for food storage not for making a mess on your kitchen floor that you have to clean up.

We actually tell our kids that they are not old enough to make their own decisions until they are 9 years old. Until then, they need to do as they are told or ask if they want to do something. Now in reality, that doesn’t always happen. But the concept is... that until you have demonstrated that you have the wisdom to obey, you don’t have the wisdom to make decsions for yourself. At age 9, we give them a lot more freedom to make choices and they basically get discipled in making decisions. Sometimes they fall flat on their face with a decision, but that’s when we get to talk thru what choices they made.

The idea is to be proactive and directive, not reactive and restricted.
You want to be training, not retraining. You want to be giving freedoms, not taking them back.

Lets take the high chair as an example.... left to their own devices, a child will dump the contents of the plate on the floor and smear food all over their face, scream when they want more, and only eat what they want to eat. These things may be funny and cute, but lets’ be honest, the clean up is a pain and you can’t take that kid to a restaurant.

On the flip side, how about, right from the start, teaching them good high chair behavior. Teaching the child to keep their hands quietly under the tray while you feed them, to use sign language to ask for more, and firmly correcting throwing food or kicking and screaming when they are set in the chair.

Here’s another example. Your child has your favorite book in her hand and she is starting to drool on it. Do you just grab it from her? or have you trained her to place something in your hand when you ask her to with out force. This comes in handy when they have something breakable or dangerous in their hands. “Maggie, give it to mama.” I put my hand out and she sets it in my hand.

It’s almost like playing Simon Says at times. I will start working with them on something even before I expect them to be able to do it. For example, it is a very important skill for them to be able to come when they are called. as soon as the child is mobile, I set them on one side of the room and I am a few feet away. I say, “Come, Grace!” with a smile on my face... and I physically pick her up and bring her to me, and I say, good girl! Come! And we do it again. Several times a day... eventually, she recognizes the phrase and my tone of voice and she comes when she is called. If she starts to go the other way, I give a firm, “No, Grace. Come!”... It may sound like dog training, but let me tell you... they come cheerfully and I am never late for an appointment simply because I was chasing my child around the house trying to get their coat on or to change their diaper. There are other reasons why I am late... but that is not one of them.

Another important element for our home is that we move the younger children thru their day in a directed fashion. I have provided a sample schedule for a preschoolers day. As we know, routine and structure is important for a child. It is important for you as well, so you are not just dealing with crisis after crisis all day long and you can actually get a few things done. Think of age appropriate activities for your child and move them thru those activities at intervals thru out the day. Let’s look at the example......

Next, let’s define obedience... true obedience happens immediately, completely, without challenge, and without complaint.

Obedience comes first, like I said before, by being the adult that you are supposed to be. Have you taught the child to do what you want them to do? For example, do they know how to put their toys away? Have you shown them clearly? Have you gone over it several times?

Make eye contact with the child, telling her what you want her to do, making sure she understands, getting a verbal agreement “Yes, ma’am”, watching that she does it, then checking her work and correcting if need be. Tedious? Yes, but done enough times, you will see results.

Do we use rewards? No, actually we don’t. Rewards is bribery to be honest. From my perspective, it encourages greed and selfish interest. We expect the kids to do what we ask when we ask them. They are to do it because it is the right thing to do. We consistently train them. We don’t use empty threats. If we say they will get disciplined, they will. If there is an offense, we give it immediate attention. They know that. They are praised when they do a good job and corrected when they don’t. It is as simple as that.

To sum up, let me give you some basic principles of instruction:

1. When you speak to a child in a way that requires an answer or an action, you should expect an immediate and complete response.
2. Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed.
3. Be consistent. The child who is corrected consistently for failing to obey is better adjusted than the child whose discipline is inconsistent or incomplete. Consistency provides security and freedom.
4. Require eye contact when giving face to face instruction.
5. Use your God given wisdom regarding a situation...don’t just react in fear or frustration.


Talk to one another. You may think that you have it all together and your kids are fine. But you are all going thru the same things. As women, we need each other. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are struggling with something and ask for advise. There is a lot of wisdom right here in this room. Sometimes, we tend to just complain to one another, but be open to getting advise and following it rather than just complaining.

Conclusion
I love talking about this stuff with other moms. Each mom’s situation is unique, but following some basic guidelines goes a long way.

God is at the focal point of your home... not your kids.
Keep your marriage alive because God wants you to and because it provides the stability that your children need.
Remember that you are in charge... use your God given authority with your kids.
And finally, train and discipline your children in love. You will be greatly rewarded with kids that are fun to be around, that you can trust, and that are equipped to make wise choices.