Devotion for Lauren's Baby Shower

Phil and I have known Lauren and John for about 4 years now since they moved in across the street. When they moved in, they didn’t even have a dog let alone three children. So when we saw they got a dog, and we said to ourselves “ahhh, they want children!” Then we saw the minivan appear in the drive way and we knew that children must be on the way! Now, when I see her refuse a glass of wine when offered, I know that another baby is on the way! Praise the Lord!

We have so enjoyed having them across the street, and I have loved watching her as a mom. She is purposeful, organized, and not easily excitable or flustered. She is attentive to her kids and creates a loving, supportive environment for her man. She seems to handle things in stride. The only time see her “amped up” so to speak is when she is getting everyone ready to go out of town… at these times, watch out bc Lauren is on a war path! John and everyone else knows to just step aside and leave her alone.

I have actually written a few devotions for this afternoon, but I had to realize that this was not my opportunity to give parenting advise or rant about how much I don’t like the distraction that mobile devices present to parents. If you want to talk about either of those things, just let me know—- I have several pages written on both!

I want to look at the book of Revelation-I know a weird book to be looking at at a baby shower-but bear with me.

In Revelation 21:1-5 John says:

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”

That sounds wonderful doesn’t it?? 

I know many of you and the things that you have on your plates and the struggles that you face. I hope these verses can offer you hope for a better day. Believe it or not, there is something that we look forward to that is even better than a whole bar of chocolate or even a day of obedient children or a good long nap.

Scripture tells us that one day, all will be made well, and we will experience the full reality of the unsearchable riches of Christ. 

Revelation 22:3-5 goes on to say there will be no more sin, and we will see our Savior face to face.

But until then, there is some suffering involved. 

There are dirty diapers, there are mounds of laundry, there are decisions about whether or not a child can go to a dance, there are eating disorders, ugly breakups, car accidents, even death of loved ones.

There will be great successes as well— potty training, the first day of kindergarten, academic achievements, new jobs, college, weddings.

There will be life lived with others… sharing bread together, celebrating, crying, mourning. 

In these days, as we wait for the glorious condition of being united to Christ forever in Heaven, we are left to cling to Christ, to abide with Him as he says in John 15, to live actively and vigorously for him in all we do. 

What does that mean for us as women?

First, we can put Christ at the center of our lives… I know that at this stage for Lauren’s life and mine as well even tho I don’t have little, little ones the temptation is to let the demands of children and home life and work crowd God out of our every day lives. Yes, I know dirty diapers and crying children and meals are a reality, dead lines at work, demanding bosses are a reality, but they must not be our idols. They must not be what define and control our days. 

We are also to study His Word- mining it for wisdom, encouragement, and strength. Let the Word of God dwell in you deeply and richly. The Word of God is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work. (2 Tim 3:6-7)

Next, out of our growing relationship with Christ, we get to disciple our children and relate to our husbands with the fuel of God’s Word on our tongues, and especially with it in our hearts, guiding our actions. 

And finally, we are to love our neighbor as ourselves and share with them in word and in deed the amazing love of our Father. To not neglect the lost and broken, the needy, but to notice them, serve them, and learn from them.

In 2 Timothy 4:7-8 Paul is looking toward the end of his life and says “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.”

As we seek to “fight the good fight” as Paul says, we are not alone, we have not been abandoned to fend for ourselves. God promises to help. Christ is there to comfort us… 

In Matthew 11, Jesus says “come unto me all you who are weak and heavy laden and I will give you rest.

 Isaiah 40: 11 says “Like a shepherd He will tend HIs flock, In his arms he will gather the lambs, and carry them in His bosom. He will gently lead the nursing ewes. 

And at the end of the chapter, we read:

The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth

Does not become weary or tired.

His understanding is inscrutable.

He gives strength to the weary,

And to him who lacks might He increases power.

Though youths grow weary and tired,

And vigorous young men stumble badly,

 Yet those who wait for the Lord

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.

We have an amazing hope before us… hope for the glorious return of our Savior, hope for a day when all things will be made right. In the mean time, we have the power of God and the comfort of the Holy Spirit  to live for Him, to go about our work, to raise our children, to love our husbands, and to tend to the needy around us. 

Lauren, that is your hope in these last couple of weeks before Paige makes her entrance. That is your hope as you introduce her to Liam and Maddie, and as you and John continue to raise these precious ones in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

A Story about my Aunt Linda's Secret Thanksgiving Recipe

Dear Aunt Linda,

Thanks for sharing the secret recipe for our thanksgiving dinner. I thought you'd enjoy hearing about how it went over in our family. So here is what happened:

First, I was leaving to go do my Thanksgiving shopping, thinking I could slip out of the house unnoticed, but my loves-to-be-domestic college student insists that she comes with me. When I said no, I got the full pout and argument that she would be such a help to me, and "it will be so much more fun to do it together, Mom" line.

Of course, I am thinking about [the secret recipe ingredients] that were on my list, but I have a hard time saying NO to a pouting Lydia.

At the store, I send her every which way trying to get her to a different part of the store while I hunt for the [secret recipe ingredients]. Having never bought them, I was clueless. I hid them in the cart and then met Lydia at the check out lane. Of course, it was there that she noticed the foreign object as it passed thru the hands of the cashier.

Next, I got home (we ran a few other errands) and Phil greets me at the door. I am pretty exhausted at this point. He joyfully tells me to go take a nap, he would have the kids unpack the groceries. Too tired to remember the contraband in my sacks, I went upstairs.

When I got up, I had a near riot situation. Maggie (the fiery child in the bunch) had seen the [secret recipe ingredients]. No way was she having THAT for Thanksgiving.

"But Maggie, Aunt Linda insists that they are the best!"
"Too bad, Mom, they will ruin Thanksgiving!"
 "Mags, trust me on this. They will be great!"
"Not a chance, Mom. It's [the usual] or nothing."

So, I said fine. And I made a 1/2 batch that night for dinner to go with a pork recipe (I will share it with you--I have never tasted shredded pork so good). And guess what??!!! Everyone was floored. They had seconds even.

I had to confess that your secret is out in NJ. I did my best to protect you, but at least they don't know the full recipe. My children are very protective of family recipes, so I think you are safe. They are foodies thru and thru, and spoiled with my homemade food. (I told them you wouldn't give the recipe to Dana until she got married. They said that might just be a good enough reason to get married.)

I am making the [usual food] this year, but NEXT YEAR I will be making your secret recipe!

Much love and thanks,

Polly

Some thought re: staying at home to be a mom

Dear Lori,

Thanks for sharing your convictions in your essay on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. Phil saw it and shared the link with me and I’ve been thinking about how I want to reply.

As I read about your struggles, I am reminded how super thankful I am that, in my life, I never felt bored or ever felt like staying home was repetitive and depressing. I just think that is a huge gift from God that I never had to jump over that hurdle. I know lots of women do face this hurdle, and find it very challenging. For me, while I have had other hurdles (which I should write about sometime) this was not one of them. 

In light of your struggle, I'd like to offer what I hope will be some constructive feedback. 

I think you make a mistake in that your argument, right from the start, focuses on what "studies say is good for kids” rather than looking at it from the perspective of obedience. 

I have found that there is no joy in doing something because of statistical evidence. None. But I have found great joy in doing something because God says so. Again and again, I’ve seen Him totally meet me and provide for me when I try to be obedient, even when it is against my “grain.” The most important question for a woman is this: will we trust Him enough to do what He says?

But if we’re talking about studies and statistics, studies show that it is best for moms to stay home with their kids. Having said that, however, what we’ve seen in South Jersey is that staying home and “being a mom” can be a form of idolatry also.

Perfectionistic, smothering, hovering, stressed out moms that have their kid in every sport possible, obsessively check PowerSchool, argue with teachers over test grades, and worry/gossip/slander other moms isn’t exactly what God has in mind.

But for all that, studies and statistics are a dime a dozen; and they are not the Bible, they are not God's Word. What matters is what God says in His Word about how women should their lives response to the Gospel. That must be the first factor in any decision making process. 

I’m not great with remembering Scriptures, but off the top of my head, w/o looking things up, I know God says women are to be (1) busy at home, (2) to be disciplining other/younger women, (3) to be loving/respecting their husbands. 

Then, Proverbs 31 certainly paints a picture of an industrious and gifted woman who works hard to provide for her children, and to ensure that her husband is honored at the city gates. 

Also a woman is called by God to train up her children; to exercise hospitality (lots of examples of this... not sure if there is a direct command... but it is implied in the description of elders & their wives) and last but not least, to care for the poor.

I am sure there are more, but w/o doing an actual Bible study, those are the first to come to my mind. My point is that there is no shortage here of creative opportunities for a brilliant woman to use her gifts for the glory of God in the world.

You describe struggling with your temperament your whole life, but the work of God is to transform our temperaments by the Holy Spirit. Transformation takes a woman’s whole life, but its worth it. I’ve struggled with things my whole life as well—different things than you have, but they are still struggles. Some things I’m only now seeing the first signs of growth and progress, and I’ve been following the Lord for almost 25 years!

In your case, with this struggle, Bobby is called by God to creatively work with you so that you can find God’s commands joyful. You and Bobby are to work together so that being home with your children (which is your primary calling) is a joy and not a burden, or boring, or drudgery.

That doesn’t mean you can’t, or don’t, do anything else. But there are hundreds of ways you can make your home, and your children, your primary area of ministry and service to Christ and still use your amazing brain. Keep in mind, we can be great examples to our children without necessarily “going to work” every day.

Also, I would caution you about talking as you do of other women being judgmental. I know that can be a problem among women, especially in this area. But the way you express it might leave the reader the impression that you don’t want others to stay anything contrary to what you think or say. 

I know ladies can be judgmental; I’ve been guilty of that myself at times. But think about this: why is it that our men can "hold each other accountable," (an acceptable thing, and something we encourage them to do) but if women do any sort of rebuke, holding out of truth, or offer input and even correction to another woman, it is somehow seen to be “judgmental" and the relationship is forever severed. Not fair, not right.

We can do better than that as women.

I hope this is helpful to you and the others who have read and responded to your note. Thanks again for sharing honestly.

Pictures of the Kids this Summer

Here are some pictures of the trip we took with the family to the Poconos. It was a lot of fun; we got to include Lydia's friend Mark, Fitch's friend Nathan, our dog Rocket, and other extended family on the Giancola side.

Efforts to Make Lunch Packing Easier

1. Set out a sandwich making station each morning
2. Keep muffins, cookie dough, brownie bites in freezer
3. Put lots of snacks in baggies in the pantry ready to grab (rather than having to bag it in the morning)
4. Pre-bag baby carrots and sliced cucumbers
5. Fill 4 oz storage containers containers with items that I would normally buy pre-packaged
1. pudding
2. jello (mixed with crushed pineapple or cool whip)
3. apple sauce
4. yogurt (from the big containers which is cheaper than the little ones)
5. pineapple chunks
6. Keep hard boiled eggs on hand
7. And I finally broke down and started buying Capri-Suns!!!

After School Snack Ideas

1. ½ bagel with cream cheese
2. cookies
3. frozen grapes
4. banana muffins (or other muffins)
5. jello (w/ pineapple?)
6. hot chocolate with marshmallows
7. caramel popcorn
8. plain popcorn
9. meat and cheese roll ups
10. apple sauce
11. fruit kabobs
12. english muffin pizzas
13. frozen pizza (cut in strips)
14. graham crackers with nutella (or frosting)
15. graham crackers dipped in apple sauce
16. rice crispy treats
17. cracker with melted cheese dipped in salsa
18. string cheese
19. easy mac-n-cheese
20. apple slices dipped in peanut butter (or caramel)
21. nachos (make a cheese sauce or sprinkle cheese and micro)
22. veggies with ranch or hummus
23. cereal with milk
24. cheese cubes with fruit
25. wheat toast w/ ham or cinnamon/sugar
26. pickles
27. olives
28. microwave quesadilla (cheese, beans or refried beans)
29. chips and salsa or guacamole
30. yogurt (with granola and/or fruit)
31. rice cake with nutella and/or peanut butter
32. toast with mix of cream cheese/jam
33. grilled peanut butter/banana sandwich or grilled pb&j
34. smoothies
35. deviled eggs
36. pretzels with chocolate dip
37. celery with cream cheese or peanut butter
38. tuna melt on a ritz cracker
39. ramen soup
40. instant oatmeal packets
41. cottage cheese with Lawry’s seasoning salt
42. pudding
43. cheese/pepperoni crackers
44. broiled cheese bread
45. waffle or pancake with peanut butter/banana
46. frozen fish sticks
47. french fries or tator tots
48. biscuit (pillsbury or biscuik) with butter/honey

From Smart to Dumb Which is Probably Smart

I am not quite sure how to title this entry. I have several choices:

 1. Confessions of a Newly Recovering iPhone User
2. A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned
3. I've Done the Unthinkable
4. Untethered

 I went into the the AT&T store today and did what very few people have ever done before. I switched my phone service from my handy-dandy, beloved iPhone 4 to a "dumb phone," a mobile phone that is just that- a phone. I can text from it or make and receive phone calls. That's it. Texts and calls.

 The nice man who helped me at the store introduced himself and asked if he could help me. I laughed and said, "Yes, you can, but I am going to need a little emotional support. Are you up to it?" He gave a nervous laugh, asked if I was sure about my decision, and then proceded to say he understood and would try to make the transaction as painless as possible. I'm sure he was thinking in the back of his mind that he would see me in a week or two, ready to re-tether myself to my smart phone.

 I know I have made a good decision for several reasons. First, the $30/mo extra (along with several other expenses that we are working to cut) is excessive spending for a big family on a fixed, ministry income, committed to keeping me home as much as possible. Second, I am so tied to my phone. Every spare minute, I slide that lock screen open to check my email or Facebook, text someone, peruse Pinterest, or find out what the weather is going to be for the weekend. So many choices for how to spend those spare seconds. When I am anxious or stressed, I feel suddenly soothed by the glowing screen with all my favorite escapes.

 When the deal was done, I felt strangely disoriented, unsure of how life goes on without constant, everywhere access to the internet, google maps, to Facebook, to amazon.com, and to my newest addiction, Pinterest. No texting a cool picture at a moments notice. No instant access to my e-mail. Had I jumped off a cliff? It felt like it.

 It was only when I had my new dumb phone in hand, paid for with contacts transfered, that I allowed myself to walk across the room to gaze at and stroke the iPhone 5 which I hadn't seen in person yet. To my amazement, it didn't have much charm. Looked pretty much just like mine, and I was already feeling so free of my $30/month commitment to being tethered to a glowing little box, that I was able to happily walk away.

Words to Share at the Celebration Service of My Mother, Susan Burdick December 1, 2011

“When I grow up, I want to be just like my mom.” That is what I wrote as a journal entry back in 1st grade. I found it years ago when I went home from college and my mom told me to go thru some of my old things that were nearly forgotten in the basement. I’ve obviously grown up since then. I’m my own person, and have taken different roads than she took. For instance, I am the black sheep of the family in the sense that I don’t have the athletic prowess of my sister, my mom, or my dad, and I have had a few more children than she did! But, I’m realizing that my early wish has come true in many other ways.

Ironically, as women grow older they often become like their mother in many ways. This has been true for me, as my husband can testify--sometimes happily, sometimes not!

As my mom displayed a strong marriage, I hope to be just like her.

We can’t talk about my mom without talking about the love relationship that she shared with my dad. We all think BIKES when we think of them. It’s a perfect picture of their life together. Sometimes they rode together on the tandem. My dad leading and my mom eagerly adding her strength as the stoker. Other times, they rode separate bikes, different speeds, but always meeting up at the end with stories to share.

But, as we all know, it was not about the bike! It was their love for one another that shined. It was their commitment to love life, their friends, and their family that kept them together and that fueled my dad’s patient care for her over the past several years. He has set the bar high for all you men out there...if your wife gets sick, just ask my dad what to do. He could probably write a book.

She adored him, trusted him, enjoyed him.

I want to be like my mother in her selfless interest in the lives of others.

I think I saw in my mom, even at an early age, a joy and love for others that I wanted to adopt...she could talk to anyone. I know I was mortified more than once as I was growing up, as she started up a conversation with a perfect stranger. But now, guess what...I embarrass my own children all the time in the same way. I love to chat with the person standing in line in front of me or just about anyone that walks past. Here is another way I have become like my mother. It is a quality that has made me well suited to being a pastor’s wife.

I want to be like my mom in that she made her family a high priority.

She certainly valued dinners together as a family. In recent years, studies have come out that say that the family meal with interesting conversation is essential to building healthy family relations. Old news to my mom...she had been pushing for that for ages. In my family, I emphasize the family meal as well. As a matter of fact, at my house, I even have my mother’s dining table that my dad made for her when I was three. Many of you have actually eaten at that table.

We continued her family dinner tradition last week at Thanksgiving with my dad at my sister’s house in NH. Julia had said several times that we needed to set 15 place settings. 15. Ironically, that was one too many and we didn’t realize it until we all sat down. After an awkward moment of silence, we all laughed, poured an extra glass of wine, and sat Phil and Nathan on either side of the empty chair thinking she would have wanted to give her sons-in-law one more tongue lashing. I couldn’t help but want to call her--she would have gotten a fabulous laugh out of that one.

A few days after she died, I felt a sense of panic. I was afraid I didn’t know my mother well enough, that I didn’t have enough memories, that my memory of her was already fading. I think that is one reason we have these celebration services: we all get a chance to share stories of the loved one that has died. These stories get passed from generation to generation. I think that I speak for Julia as well as for myself, we would love for you to share those stories with us this week or give us a call when you think of something that you want to share.

In the Bible, in the book of Ecclesiastes, there is a verse that goes like this:

For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven, a time to be born, and a time to die...a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

I like to think that my mom would have wanted us to weep by laughing and mourn by dancing. May all of our lives be a song to which we and others can dance. The song that my mother danced to beats in my sister and I. Her chorus, while not perfect, was one of humor and of opinion and of love. That same chorus plays in our lives. Julia and I have written different verses, but the chorus is the same as hers.

Mom, I will miss you. I will miss hearing your voice on the other end of the phone. I hate to say it, but in recent years, I always knew you’d be home when I called, and I loved that. You would answer and listen and ask for more...more stories about my kids, more news, and then you would always say, “I love you, Honey” before hanging up. Thank you for loving me. Julia and I and your beautiful 9 grandchildren are your legacy--the mark you have left in the world.

Planter's Wife Perspecitve

Phil is going to a church planters meeting next week where they are going to talk about pastors' wives and what they struggle with most. He asked me to write down some of my thoughts from our experience thus far so that he will be prepared to participate in the discussion. I thought it would be nice to post my thoughts here on my blog as well!


Things that make my life different than the average woman on my block: (these are just observations....not necessarily complaints or struggles)
1. My husband works weird hours.
2. Many of my friends think my husband really doesn't work at all except on Sundays.
3. My house often has extra people at all hours of the day and night. I have to get rid of all notions that my house should be tidy for guests!
4. Having company for dinner is not a big event- it just happens without a big fanfare. Often!
5. My immediate family is not around.
6. For other ladies, their kids are the center of their world. All energies go into their kids. In a church planters' family, those energies are divided differently.
7. I am uniquely tied into my husband's work while they send their husbands off in the morning and have no part in his work. Seems like that would be a bit boring and hard on a marriage to have such a separation.
8. Our kids are part of my husband's work. What other family on the block has that dynamic going???

Good things:
1. My kids love having people over. They love knowing all sorts of people and having their world expanded beyond the confines of school.
2. I get to have lots of friends. A variety of friends. On the other hand, I have to have lots of friends and I can't discriminate like other ladies on who I like and who I don't like. I kind of have to like or extend myself for just about anyone regardless of whether I like them or not. :) (I generally like people tho unless they are extra needy- those people are really hard for me)
3. My husband has a flexible schedule and can help me.
4. My husband is forced to invest in our marriage. His livelihood depends on it. (not sure if that is a good way to put it, but...)
5. Working on a "project" together strengthens our relationship.
6. Our home/lifestyle is centered on something that is a bit risky (church planting) so we are "forced" to live by faith in a unique way...stimulating growth and maturity. I might not do that on my own if we were living a "normal" life.
7. I get to hear bits of the sermon all week long.
8. I have a say-so in church matters!
9. We get to be a part of people's stories! We get to hear what is going on in their lives and be used by God to help them grow. How exciting is that? To be a tool in God's hand is pretty darn exciting!!!
10. I have to listen well to the sermons because I have to give my husband feedback.

Struggles:
See all of the above because things that are good also have a bad side!
1. I am not near my extended family so I don't have the help that other people do...but then again, I dont have to deal with some of the headaches/drama that come with extended family.
2. It takes work to get "fed" spiritually and I often don't have the energy to do that work.
3. I am increasingly aware that people can see it on my face when I am stressed. Ex. Elena is acutely aware when I am flustered. Another one- Seth commented once when I was sitting down how odd it was to see me do that.
4. I feel like I am stretched really thin lately.
5. My house, to me seems like it is a mess because there is always something going on. I sometimes feel jealous of other women whose houses are so neat and tidy and under control.
6. Money is tight.
I keep trying to think of struggles...but sort of see the struggles as good things as well- so, it is a hard list to make.

We are No Longer Cute and other Revelations

We just celebrated our "baby's" 5th birthday. It is still hard to believe that she has been around for 5 years. Yes, she walks, talks, eats and dresses on her own. Even buckles herself into her own car seat. Such new "freedoms" I am experiencing as a mom. I am no longer wiping bottoms, no longer making baby food, or buying darling onesies and sippy cups. Our household has moved on to "personal bests" in winter track, "for-profit" snow shoveling, and after school tutoring. As busy as I thought I was when I was measuring my day in terms of baby feedings and naps, I now find that I long for those simple, simple days!

I have been in the airport several times in the past year visiting my mom in Tucson. I love to watch the movement of traveling people. The couples with small children are especially cute to watch. They have their fancy stroller loaded down with toys and diapers. Dad is patiently walking behind the toddling little one. Mom is checking to make sure she has everything set to entertain a confined baby for a few hours en route to where ever they are going. As frazzled as those parents seem, they look so young and cute, in an odd way, fresh. I always identify with those young parents like I am part of their club, The Alliance of Cute Young Parents. 

This past trip though, I had a jolting revelation. I am no longer a part of that Club! I have started giving talks- lectures even- to those young, hip newbies. I hear myself thinking, "Been there. Done that," when I pass by. I threw out my old unsexy stroller. I don't have a stylish diaper bag. And I don't travel with a bundle of toys and snacks. We are no longer members of the ACYP.

What are we now as we traipse thru an airport with our entourage of walking, talking, bag carrying children- some of which are on the verge of adulthood?  My husband has passed the forty year mark and I can see it from my seat. I was shocked this past trip to realize that we could be grandparents- when hell freezes over, mind you, but it is possible! 

The other revelation, that is not such a jolt is that I love the stage of life in which we find ourselves. What a thrill to sit around our big kitchen table and hear about the childrens' days, to hear them question and dream. To rejoice with them over their successes and press them forward when they mess up. Even the mess of back packs, books, and shoes, shoes, shoes is exciting- a real pain sometimes, but exciting none the less. (Ever wonder how many pairs of shoes a family of 8 owns? I'll give you a buck if you come over and count them all!)

One final revelation: (and I know that for many, this is not new stuff) I have had to come to grips with fact that the "staff job complete" principle doesn't really apply to mothering or running a household. Can I be free from the tyranny of thinking I need to check everything off of my list and close up shop at the end of the day? My job will never be "complete" until Jesus calls me home, so why do I frustrate myself by constantly telling myself that I am "behind" in my work, that I have to catch up, that there are too many things left undone? I need to accept the on-going nature of my job as a homemaker and not get "my panties in a wad" over a pile of laundry, a week of unplanned meals, or my third grader's report card full of B's. When I hit the gates of Heaven, I will hear those blessed words, "Staff job complete, my faithful daughter." But until then, I have the comforting arm of my Savior strengthening me, leading me, and caring for me as I face the "unfinishable" business of being a wife, mother, and home manager. 

   I mentioned that 40 is in my near future. People always told me that your 40's is a time of new freedoms and less cares. Well, I am noticing that they are right! I want to dress wild, paint wild colors throughout my house and even spend a fortune to buy a dog. Watch out world!

Notes from a talk on parenting that I gave on 1/20/11

I. Introduction
It is true that my husband and I have 6 kids. We figured out how to make it stop, so our almost 5 year old is the last. I’m really excited to be here....

My oldest is 15 and my youngest is almost 5. I have 4 girls and 2 boys. In case you are interested, we are a very ordered family.... girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, girl. right, left, right, left, right, left. All born on a Wednesday except for one... late Tuesday night. Couldn’t have planned it better myself. I love having a big family...it is certainly not for everyone, but I would encourage more families to step out and try it, because it can be really fun.

Unfortunately, there is no formula for parenting. It would be awful nice if you could go home today and have a recipe for making your kids behave, but each family is dealt different personalities, different resources, different baggage to carry.

There are a ton of books out there on parenting, some bad, some good. I would like to share with you, some of our philosophy and strategy that has worked for us and that we have seen work for other families.

I am going to talk about the philosophy of the home and family, the importance of the health of your marriage, your God given authority in your home, and finally, the actual nuts and bolts of disciplining your children. Then, I hope we have time for some questions.

But first, I would like to share with you some of the things that I have never done with my children:

1. I have never used a time out
2. I have never counted to 4
3. I have never used a sticker chart
4. I have never put latches on my cabinets
5. I have never withheld dessert as punishment
6. I have never chased a children to do a diaper change.
7. Only once did I let a child sleep in my bed... I spent about two weeks dealing with the fall out!
8. I have only been hit by one of my children once... once and only once. Believe me, it never happened again.



II. Philosophy of the home/family

Parenting starts with a philosophy of the family and the home. Here is a good verse about the home:

Proverbs 24:3-4 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is estabilished. And by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

The family needs to have a sense of community, a shared story, a common bond of work and play. The home is a place of comfort, encouragement, a refuge, a place of safety, and spiritual formation (accountability, spiritual instruction). A place where burdens are shared broadly and not just carried alone. The home is a place where failure is okay because kids can be loved enough to be disciplined, trained, and given the chance to try again.

This goes for parents as well. We will make many mistakes in our parenting. We can never be perfect in how we relate to our children. You and I both come to our role as parents with issues and inconsistencies. Whatever your failings, I want you to know that God has a plan for your kids. Your job is to submit to Him. Participate with Him in His plan and not to hinder it.

We have to see the grace of God as we parent. We will never be perfect but He is. Our job as parents is to point the children to the One perfect Father. You want your kids to eat, breath, sleep, and in every way experience the grace of God at home.

I take this basis for the home very seriously. If these things aren’t in place, you won’t have much of anything else. Without it, you have a recipe for depression, addiction, divorce, and in some cases even suicide. As a pastor’s wife, I have made a habit of studying the trends of domestic violence, addictions, and adultery in women. The stories I hear are scary. We need to take great care with the way we view God, and how we relate to our husbands and children.

Child rearing is not primarily about obedience training as much as it is about spiritual formation. The goal in our parenting is
to encourage our children to love God,
to model healthy relationships for them,
and to help our children form self-awareness or self-regard.
We want them to find their God given gifts for service in their communities.
Our goal is to help them see the world thru the lens of the Bible and have a sense of calling/purpose in the world.


III. Importance of the husband/wife relationship

The marriage is the primary relationship in the home. Your parenting starts there because marital harmony infuses stability in the family

Let’s face it, marriage isn’t easy. What you thought would be the easiest, funnest, most enjoyable relationship in your life, actually takes work. Getting two sinners to live life together in peace with or with out kids is not easy.

If you are struggling, get help... talk to a pastor, an older couple, there are lots of good books out there, make an effort personally to keep the relationship alive.

Don’t let parenting or your kids sabbatoge the husband/wife relationship.... maintain date night, let the kids see you sit down and talk together on the couch. “This is mommy’s time and mommy comes first. I will play with you as soon as I am done listening to mommy.” Don’t wait until after they go to bed. They need to see your relationship flourish.

Parenting is a team sport and needs a game plan that both parents can agree to and implement. Sit down with your husband and talk about your children’s strengths and weaknesses. How are you, as a couple, shoring up their weaknesses and encouraging their strengths? What are your short term and long term goals for your children? What strategy are you going to have to implement those goals?

It takes work and discipline to reach those goals. Goals don’t just happen by themselves.

IV. Your authority
My next point may seem obvious, but it is the bed rock for your day with your child and time and time again, I see that moms just don’t get it.
Here it is....You are in charge. Not your children. Act like it. You are the one able to control your emotions. Not them. Be the adult. You are the one with experience, wisdom, and common sense, the one with the ability to think ahead and plan.

So many mom’s simply arent’ present with/for their kids... they are busy on Facebook, surfing the web, talking endlessly on the phone, watching mindless TV shows, or just plain being selfish. Some of the things we choose to do are "good" things, but represent an overcommitment. Pay attention to your children. I just read an article yesterday about a child in CO who drowned in the tub while his mom was in the other room on Facebook. Notice when your kids are not behaving appropriatly- when they are playing with something they shouldn’t, when they are throwing a fit- and do something about it. So often, they are just trying to get your attention!
Love them enough to put down what you are doing, get off your butt, and take the time and energy to to train them, correct them, and to direct them.

God is God and you are His agent.

V. Training and Discipline

The point of training and disciplining your children is not:
so you look good in public
a means of venting your frustrations or anger
a way of getting even with your child
a way of gaining more control over your life or to have a perfectly ordered home.
It is a means of raising morally responsible and biblically responsive children. The goal, contrary to popular belief, is not to make your child happy.
as a matter of fact....

Hebrews 12:11 says, All discipline for the moment seems not be be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Proverbs 23:15 says, Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.... the next verse says that disciplining your child will “rescue his soul from hell.”

Read those verses and try to tell me that your job is to make your kid happy!

We approach our parenting in a very directive way.

Freedoms, in the early months and years are very, very limited. As the children grow and mature, freedoms are earned as responsible behavior is demonstrated. Early on, we don’t give them many choices. From day one, when it comes to eating, I am in charge of the schedule, not the baby. Nor are they given the freedom to be awake or sleep where ever and when ever they want.

As they move up to the high chair and eventually the dinner table, I’m in charge of what they eat- not them. Because I am the adult, and my child has very little, if any decision making capabilities, those things are primarily up to me. Yes, there are tears and it takes work to make that happen, it is inconvenient... but it is worth it.

By only allowing age appropriate freedoms, your children will gain a measure of self control. Less freedom will yield a greater level of self control. The freedoms you grant your child should be on par with the level of self control they have.

For example, the freedom to play with the remote control or play in the tupperware drawer at 6 months old is not age appropriate. The remote control is a tool, not a toy to bang on the coffee table or drool on. The tupperware is for food storage not for making a mess on your kitchen floor that you have to clean up.

We actually tell our kids that they are not old enough to make their own decisions until they are 9 years old. Until then, they need to do as they are told or ask if they want to do something. Now in reality, that doesn’t always happen. But the concept is... that until you have demonstrated that you have the wisdom to obey, you don’t have the wisdom to make decsions for yourself. At age 9, we give them a lot more freedom to make choices and they basically get discipled in making decisions. Sometimes they fall flat on their face with a decision, but that’s when we get to talk thru what choices they made.

The idea is to be proactive and directive, not reactive and restricted.
You want to be training, not retraining. You want to be giving freedoms, not taking them back.

Lets take the high chair as an example.... left to their own devices, a child will dump the contents of the plate on the floor and smear food all over their face, scream when they want more, and only eat what they want to eat. These things may be funny and cute, but lets’ be honest, the clean up is a pain and you can’t take that kid to a restaurant.

On the flip side, how about, right from the start, teaching them good high chair behavior. Teaching the child to keep their hands quietly under the tray while you feed them, to use sign language to ask for more, and firmly correcting throwing food or kicking and screaming when they are set in the chair.

Here’s another example. Your child has your favorite book in her hand and she is starting to drool on it. Do you just grab it from her? or have you trained her to place something in your hand when you ask her to with out force. This comes in handy when they have something breakable or dangerous in their hands. “Maggie, give it to mama.” I put my hand out and she sets it in my hand.

It’s almost like playing Simon Says at times. I will start working with them on something even before I expect them to be able to do it. For example, it is a very important skill for them to be able to come when they are called. as soon as the child is mobile, I set them on one side of the room and I am a few feet away. I say, “Come, Grace!” with a smile on my face... and I physically pick her up and bring her to me, and I say, good girl! Come! And we do it again. Several times a day... eventually, she recognizes the phrase and my tone of voice and she comes when she is called. If she starts to go the other way, I give a firm, “No, Grace. Come!”... It may sound like dog training, but let me tell you... they come cheerfully and I am never late for an appointment simply because I was chasing my child around the house trying to get their coat on or to change their diaper. There are other reasons why I am late... but that is not one of them.

Another important element for our home is that we move the younger children thru their day in a directed fashion. I have provided a sample schedule for a preschoolers day. As we know, routine and structure is important for a child. It is important for you as well, so you are not just dealing with crisis after crisis all day long and you can actually get a few things done. Think of age appropriate activities for your child and move them thru those activities at intervals thru out the day. Let’s look at the example......

Next, let’s define obedience... true obedience happens immediately, completely, without challenge, and without complaint.

Obedience comes first, like I said before, by being the adult that you are supposed to be. Have you taught the child to do what you want them to do? For example, do they know how to put their toys away? Have you shown them clearly? Have you gone over it several times?

Make eye contact with the child, telling her what you want her to do, making sure she understands, getting a verbal agreement “Yes, ma’am”, watching that she does it, then checking her work and correcting if need be. Tedious? Yes, but done enough times, you will see results.

Do we use rewards? No, actually we don’t. Rewards is bribery to be honest. From my perspective, it encourages greed and selfish interest. We expect the kids to do what we ask when we ask them. They are to do it because it is the right thing to do. We consistently train them. We don’t use empty threats. If we say they will get disciplined, they will. If there is an offense, we give it immediate attention. They know that. They are praised when they do a good job and corrected when they don’t. It is as simple as that.

To sum up, let me give you some basic principles of instruction:

1. When you speak to a child in a way that requires an answer or an action, you should expect an immediate and complete response.
2. Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed.
3. Be consistent. The child who is corrected consistently for failing to obey is better adjusted than the child whose discipline is inconsistent or incomplete. Consistency provides security and freedom.
4. Require eye contact when giving face to face instruction.
5. Use your God given wisdom regarding a situation...don’t just react in fear or frustration.


Talk to one another. You may think that you have it all together and your kids are fine. But you are all going thru the same things. As women, we need each other. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are struggling with something and ask for advise. There is a lot of wisdom right here in this room. Sometimes, we tend to just complain to one another, but be open to getting advise and following it rather than just complaining.

Conclusion
I love talking about this stuff with other moms. Each mom’s situation is unique, but following some basic guidelines goes a long way.

God is at the focal point of your home... not your kids.
Keep your marriage alive because God wants you to and because it provides the stability that your children need.
Remember that you are in charge... use your God given authority with your kids.
And finally, train and discipline your children in love. You will be greatly rewarded with kids that are fun to be around, that you can trust, and that are equipped to make wise choices.

A Week-end at St. Joe's

I wrote this back in July after an "emergency" trip to Tucson to be with my folks as my mom was having surgery. It ends abruptly in part because I wrote it on the plane trip home. The effort to capture my thoughts on paper was totally exhausting to me emotionally and physically at the time.


***

How many times are we going to get the teary phone call from my dad saying that some new thing has come up with my mom’s cancer?

The roller coaster continues. I would say the cancer roller coaster is worse than any amusement park roller coaster. My stomach falls harder, slower, the rush of dread sweeps over me as we careen down the cancer mountain. We are all in the cars: family members, friends, medical staff.  Dips and valleys, then steady flat places, then another sudden dip.

Unlike at the amusement park, there is no platform at the end with the sense of relief and accomplishment, the giddy laughter, and dare to do it again. My mother is at the front of the roller coaster, getting the full brunt of the ride with my dad faithfully next to her. The rest of us just follow along after her, pulled forward,  straining our necks to see if there is an end in sight.

This past weekend was no different. On Wednesday, we began to get the full picture of what was going on with my mom’s neck pain. Another tumor had grown. So fast had it progressed, that just 6 weeks ago, it couldn’t even be detected on the most state of the art medical technology.

The tumor had grown on her spine, wrapping itself tenaciously to her arteries and spinal cord, eroding bone and threatening to leave her paralyzed from the neck down. Her pain was steadily increasing while the use of her right arm was steadily decreasing. The doctors said we had to act now or what my mother feared most would happen in the next few weeks.

It didn’t take much for Phil and I to decide that I needed to make the trip to be with them. I cried myself to sleep that night waking up to find my used Kleenex scattered next to me on the bed. Somehow I felt better as we clicked “purchase flight” and I started packing.

I arrived too late to see her before surgery, but in time to sit with my dad in the now-to-familiar surgery waiting room. Aunt Linda and a few other friends came to sit with him as we waited. He seemed a bit scattered and not as “put together” as usual. I am finding that I have to look for subtle signs to detect his emotional status. Forgetfulness and fidgeting are really the only signs of distress. The untrained eye might not notice and think that he is the most stoic person alive.

 
***


As I said, it ends abruptly. But maybe abrupt isn't bad. Maybe my "raw emotions" and real-time struggles will inspire you in your own circumstance that is confusing or hard.

Though it doesn't make it any easier, I am learning to trust God's unfolding story in this situation.

A Break Up with Self

This church planting journey often reminds me of a messy "break up."  I've noticed that I and others in our circle have intense relationships with our opinions about church and what makes us feel like a "good" Christian.

I remember breaking up with my old boyfriend in high school. It took me way too long to realize that I needed to do the deed.

I didn't see how I was keeping myself from enjoying my years in high school or taking opportunities to grow. I just went along with what was comfortable, felt secure, made me feel important, and boosted my ego.

When I finally saw that the relationship was actually hurting me, it was almost too late.  I finally made the break, struggling for months to truly give up the habit.

At the time, I felt like I was giving up everything that made my life exciting. Obviously, God has provided me with something far greater than what I had. I now have an amazing husband and six wonderful children!

The same thing happened again recently in a different sense. My exercise routine only included running. After two years of running, I loved it. It felt so good. I was going longer distances, was a little faster and the high afterward would last me several hours. But I was actually gaining weight instead of loosing it!

One day Phil suggested I change my routine. I was pretty mad at him and accused him of robbing me of one of the greatest pleasures of my day. I was so proud of my accomplishments.

But, one article he and I read together suggested that a person might need to "break up" (their term not mine) with their work out in order to make progress with fitness. I was afraid to back off on running and do something else.

Hats off to Phil who had to deal with my anger and was persistent despite my protests! He was right.  I changed my routine and have seen great results. I am just as happy if not happier and more satisfied.

Church planting has been the same sort of experience. We tend to balk at the notion of change, of giving up what we hold dear and in order to do something different. After years of "doing church," we tend to think we have all the answers, can simply continue with the way things have always been done, and out will pop a vibrant Christian community. When presented with new ideas and suggestions about how to live a Christ-like life, we cringe, argue, and call on all our past experience in defense of keeping the status quo.

Perhaps if we took the suggestions, we might "break up" with ourselves, and try something new. The results may include a greater understanding of how we have offended God and a stronger sense of Jesus love and care, or  a stronger sense of community. We might actually experience the joy of seeing someone else come into a relationship with God.

What are your habits, routines, and opinions that could use a good "break up" in order for you to reach new heights of life, love, and grace in your relationship with God and others? I see all of us in our launch team wrestling with that question. I can't wait to see the results!