The Hen House

Words to Share at the Celebration Service of My Mother, Susan Burdick December 1, 2011

2011-12-06T11:46:00.000-05:00

“When I grow up, I want to be just like my mom.” That is what I wrote as a journal entry back in 1st grade. I found it years ago when I went home from college and my mom told me to go thru some of my old things that were nearly forgotten in the basement. I’ve obviously grown up since then. I’m my own person, and have taken different roads than she took. For instance, I am the black sheep of the family in the sense that I don’t have the athletic prowess of my sister, my mom, or my dad, and I have had a few more children than she did! But, I’m realizing that my early wish has come true in many other ways.

Ironically, as women grow older they often become like their mother in many ways. This has been true for me, as my husband can testify--sometimes happily, sometimes not!

As my mom displayed a strong marriage, I hope to be just like her.

We can’t talk about my mom without talking about the love relationship that she shared with my dad. We all think BIKES when we think of them. It’s a perfect picture of their life together. Sometimes they rode together on the tandem. My dad leading and my mom eagerly adding her strength as the stoker. Other times, they rode separate bikes, different speeds, but always meeting up at the end with stories to share.

But, as we all know, it was not about the bike! It was their love for one another that shined. It was their commitment to love life, their friends, and their family that kept them together and that fueled my dad’s patient care for her over the past several years. He has set the bar high for all you men out there...if your wife gets sick, just ask my dad what to do. He could probably write a book.

She adored him, trusted him, enjoyed him.

I want to be like my mother in her selfless interest in the lives of others.

I think I saw in my mom, even at an early age, a joy and love for others that I wanted to adopt...she could talk to anyone. I know I was mortified more than once as I was growing up, as she started up a conversation with a perfect stranger. But now, guess what...I embarrass my own children all the time in the same way. I love to chat with the person standing in line in front of me or just about anyone that walks past. Here is another way I have become like my mother. It is a quality that has made me well suited to being a pastor’s wife.

I want to be like my mom in that she made her family a high priority.

She certainly valued dinners together as a family. In recent years, studies have come out that say that the family meal with interesting conversation is essential to building healthy family relations. Old news to my mom...she had been pushing for that for ages. In my family, I emphasize the family meal as well. As a matter of fact, at my house, I even have my mother’s dining table that my dad made for her when I was three. Many of you have actually eaten at that table.

We continued her family dinner tradition last week at Thanksgiving with my dad at my sister’s house in NH. Julia had said several times that we needed to set 15 place settings. 15. Ironically, that was one too many and we didn’t realize it until we all sat down. After an awkward moment of silence, we all laughed, poured an extra glass of wine, and sat Phil and Nathan on either side of the empty chair thinking she would have wanted to give her sons-in-law one more tongue lashing. I couldn’t help but want to call her--she would have gotten a fabulous laugh out of that one.

A few days after she died, I felt a sense of panic. I was afraid I didn’t know my mother well enough, that I didn’t have enough memories, that my memory of her was already fading. I think that is one reason we have these celebration services: we all get a chance to share stories of the loved one that has died. These stories get passed from generation to generation. I think that I speak for Julia as well as for myself, we would love for you to share those stories with us this week or give us a call when you think of something that you want to share.

In the Bible, in the book of Ecclesiastes, there is a verse that goes like this:

For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven, a time to be born, and a time to die...a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

I like to think that my mom would have wanted us to weep by laughing and mourn by dancing. May all of our lives be a song to which we and others can dance. The song that my mother danced to beats in my sister and I. Her chorus, while not perfect, was one of humor and of opinion and of love. That same chorus plays in our lives. Julia and I have written different verses, but the chorus is the same as hers.

Mom, I will miss you. I will miss hearing your voice on the other end of the phone. I hate to say it, but in recent years, I always knew you’d be home when I called, and I loved that. You would answer and listen and ask for more...more stories about my kids, more news, and then you would always say, “I love you, Honey” before hanging up. Thank you for loving me. Julia and I and your beautiful 9 grandchildren are your legacy--the mark you have left in the world.

Planter's Wife Perspecitve

2011-09-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

Phil is going to a church planters meeting next week where they are going to talk about pastors' wives and what they struggle with most. He asked me to write down some of my thoughts from our experience thus far so that he will be prepared to participate in the discussion. I thought it would be nice to post my thoughts here on my blog as well!

Things that make my life different than the average woman on my block: (these are just observations....not necessarily complaints or struggles)
1. My husband works weird hours.
2. Many of my friends think my husband really doesn't work at all except on Sundays.
3. My house often has extra people at all hours of the day and night. I have to get rid of all notions that my house should be tidy for guests!
4. Having company for dinner is not a big event- it just happens without a big fanfare. Often!
5. My immediate family is not around.
6. For other ladies, their kids are the center of their world. All energies go into their kids. In a church planters' family, those energies are divided differently.
7. I am uniquely tied into my husband's work while they send their husbands off in the morning and have no part in his work. Seems like that would be a bit boring and hard on a marriage to have such a separation.
8. Our kids are part of my husband's work. What other family on the block has that dynamic going???

Good things:
1. My kids love having people over. They love knowing all sorts of people and having their world expanded beyond the confines of school.
2. I get to have lots of friends. A variety of friends. On the other hand, I have to have lots of friends and I can't discriminate like other ladies on who I like and who I don't like. I kind of have to like or extend myself for just about anyone regardless of whether I like them or not. :) (I generally like people tho unless they are extra needy- those people are really hard for me)
3. My husband has a flexible schedule and can help me.
4. My husband is forced to invest in our marriage. His livelihood depends on it. (not sure if that is a good way to put it, but...)
5. Working on a "project" together strengthens our relationship.
6. Our home/lifestyle is centered on something that is a bit risky (church planting) so we are "forced" to live by faith in a unique way...stimulating growth and maturity. I might not do that on my own if we were living a "normal" life.
7. I get to hear bits of the sermon all week long.
8. I have a say-so in church matters!
9. We get to be a part of people's stories! We get to hear what is going on in their lives and be used by God to help them grow. How exciting is that? To be a tool in God's hand is pretty darn exciting!!!
10. I have to listen well to the sermons because I have to give my husband feedback.

Struggles:
See all of the above because things that are good also have a bad side!
1. I am not near my extended family so I don't have the help that other people do...but then again, I dont have to deal with some of the headaches/drama that come with extended family.
2. It takes work to get "fed" spiritually and I often don't have the energy to do that work.
3. I am increasingly aware that people can see it on my face when I am stressed. Ex. Elena is acutely aware when I am flustered. Another one- Seth commented once when I was sitting down how odd it was to see me do that.
4. I feel like I am stretched really thin lately.
5. My house, to me seems like it is a mess because there is always something going on. I sometimes feel jealous of other women whose houses are so neat and tidy and under control.
6. Money is tight.
I keep trying to think of struggles...but sort of see the struggles as good things as well- so, it is a hard list to make.

We are No Longer Cute and other Revelations

2011-02-11T18:36:00.004-05:00

We just celebrated our "baby's" 5th birthday. It is still hard to believe that she has been around for 5 years. Yes, she walks, talks, eats and dresses on her own. Even buckles herself into her own car seat. Such new "freedoms" I am experiencing as a mom. I am no longer wiping bottoms, no longer making baby food, or buying darling onesies and sippy cups. Our household has moved on to "personal bests" in winter track, "for-profit" snow shoveling, and after school tutoring. As busy as I thought I was when I was measuring my day in terms of baby feedings and naps, I now find that I long for those simple, simple days!

I have been in the airport several times in the past year visiting my mom in Tucson. I love to watch the movement of traveling people. The couples with small children are especially cute to watch. They have their fancy stroller loaded down with toys and diapers. Dad is patiently walking behind the toddling little one. Mom is checking to make sure she has everything set to entertain a confined baby for a few hours en route to where ever they are going. As frazzled as those parents seem, they look so young and cute, in an odd way, fresh. I always identify with those young parents like I am part of their club, The Alliance of Cute Young Parents.

This past trip though, I had a jolting revelation. I am no longer a part of that Club! I have started giving talks- lectures even- to those young, hip newbies. I hear myself thinking, "Been there. Done that," when I pass by. I threw out my old unsexy stroller. I don't have a stylish diaper bag. And I don't travel with a bundle of toys and snacks. We are no longer members of the ACYP.

What are we now as we traipse thru an airport with our entourage of walking, talking, bag carrying children- some of which are on the verge of adulthood? My husband has passed the forty year mark and I can see it from my seat. I was shocked this past trip to realize that we could be grandparents- when hell freezes over, mind you, but it is possible!

The other revelation, that is not such a jolt is that I love the stage of life in which we find ourselves. What a thrill to sit around our big kitchen table and hear about the childrens' days, to hear them question and dream. To rejoice with them over their successes and press them forward when they mess up. Even the mess of back packs, books, and shoes, shoes, shoes is exciting- a real pain sometimes, but exciting none the less. (Ever wonder how many pairs of shoes a family of 8 owns? I'll give you a buck if you come over and count them all!)

One final revelation: (and I know that for many, this is not new stuff) I have had to come to grips with fact that the "staff job complete" principle doesn't really apply to mothering or running a household. Can I be free from the tyranny of thinking I need to check everything off of my list and close up shop at the end of the day? My job will never be "complete" until Jesus calls me home, so why do I frustrate myself by constantly telling myself that I am "behind" in my work, that I have to catch up, that there are too many things left undone? I need to accept the on-going nature of my job as a homemaker and not get "my panties in a wad" over a pile of laundry, a week of unplanned meals, or my third grader's report card full of B's. When I hit the gates of Heaven, I will hear those blessed words, "Staff job complete, my faithful daughter." But until then, I have the comforting arm of my Savior strengthening me, leading me, and caring for me as I face the "unfinishable" business of being a wife, mother, and home manager.

I mentioned that 40 is in my near future. People always told me that your 40's is a time of new freedoms and less cares. Well, I am noticing that they are right! I want to dress wild, paint wild colors throughout my house and even spend a fortune to buy a dog. Watch out world!

Notes from a talk on parenting that I gave on 1/20/11

2011-01-23T13:11:00.002-05:00

I. Introduction
It is true that my husband and I have 6 kids. We figured out how to make it stop, so our almost 5 year old is the last. I’m really excited to be here....

My oldest is 15 and my youngest is almost 5. I have 4 girls and 2 boys. In case you are interested, we are a very ordered family.... girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, girl. right, left, right, left, right, left. All born on a Wednesday except for one... late Tuesday night. Couldn’t have planned it better myself. I love having a big family...it is certainly not for everyone, but I would encourage more families to step out and try it, because it can be really fun.

Unfortunately, there is no formula for parenting. It would be awful nice if you could go home today and have a recipe for making your kids behave, but each family is dealt different personalities, different resources, different baggage to carry.

There are a ton of books out there on parenting, some bad, some good. I would like to share with you, some of our philosophy and strategy that has worked for us and that we have seen work for other families.

I am going to talk about the philosophy of the home and family, the importance of the health of your marriage, your God given authority in your home, and finally, the actual nuts and bolts of disciplining your children. Then, I hope we have time for some questions.

But first, I would like to share with you some of the things that I have never done with my children:

1. I have never used a time out
2. I have never counted to 4
3. I have never used a sticker chart
4. I have never put latches on my cabinets
5. I have never withheld dessert as punishment
6. I have never chased a children to do a diaper change.
7. Only once did I let a child sleep in my bed... I spent about two weeks dealing with the fall out!
8. I have only been hit by one of my children once... once and only once. Believe me, it never happened again.

II. Philosophy of the home/family

Parenting starts with a philosophy of the family and the home. Here is a good verse about the home:

Proverbs 24:3-4 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is estabilished. And by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

The family needs to have a sense of community, a shared story, a common bond of work and play. The home is a place of comfort, encouragement, a refuge, a place of safety, and spiritual formation (accountability, spiritual instruction). A place where burdens are shared broadly and not just carried alone. The home is a place where failure is okay because kids can be loved enough to be disciplined, trained, and given the chance to try again.

This goes for parents as well. We will make many mistakes in our parenting. We can never be perfect in how we relate to our children. You and I both come to our role as parents with issues and inconsistencies. Whatever your failings, I want you to know that God has a plan for your kids. Your job is to submit to Him. Participate with Him in His plan and not to hinder it.

We have to see the grace of God as we parent. We will never be perfect but He is. Our job as parents is to point the children to the One perfect Father. You want your kids to eat, breath, sleep, and in every way experience the grace of God at home.

I take this basis for the home very seriously. If these things aren’t in place, you won’t have much of anything else. Without it, you have a recipe for depression, addiction, divorce, and in some cases even suicide. As a pastor’s wife, I have made a habit of studying the trends of domestic violence, addictions, and adultery in women. The stories I hear are scary. We need to take great care with the way we view God, and how we relate to our husbands and children.

Child rearing is not primarily about obedience training as much as it is about spiritual formation. The goal in our parenting is
to encourage our children to love God,
to model healthy relationships for them,
and to help our children form self-awareness or self-regard.
We want them to find their God given gifts for service in their communities.
Our goal is to help them see the world thru the lens of the Bible and have a sense of calling/purpose in the world.

III. Importance of the husband/wife relationship

The marriage is the primary relationship in the home. Your parenting starts there because marital harmony infuses stability in the family

Let’s face it, marriage isn’t easy. What you thought would be the easiest, funnest, most enjoyable relationship in your life, actually takes work. Getting two sinners to live life together in peace with or with out kids is not easy.

If you are struggling, get help... talk to a pastor, an older couple, there are lots of good books out there, make an effort personally to keep the relationship alive.

Don’t let parenting or your kids sabbatoge the husband/wife relationship.... maintain date night, let the kids see you sit down and talk together on the couch. “This is mommy’s time and mommy comes first. I will play with you as soon as I am done listening to mommy.” Don’t wait until after they go to bed. They need to see your relationship flourish.

Parenting is a team sport and needs a game plan that both parents can agree to and implement. Sit down with your husband and talk about your children’s strengths and weaknesses. How are you, as a couple, shoring up their weaknesses and encouraging their strengths? What are your short term and long term goals for your children? What strategy are you going to have to implement those goals?

It takes work and discipline to reach those goals. Goals don’t just happen by themselves.

IV. Your authority
My next point may seem obvious, but it is the bed rock for your day with your child and time and time again, I see that moms just don’t get it.
Here it is....You are in charge. Not your children. Act like it. You are the one able to control your emotions. Not them. Be the adult. You are the one with experience, wisdom, and common sense, the one with the ability to think ahead and plan.

So many mom’s simply arent’ present with/for their kids... they are busy on Facebook, surfing the web, talking endlessly on the phone, watching mindless TV shows, or just plain being selfish. Some of the things we choose to do are "good" things, but represent an overcommitment. Pay attention to your children. I just read an article yesterday about a child in CO who drowned in the tub while his mom was in the other room on Facebook. Notice when your kids are not behaving appropriatly- when they are playing with something they shouldn’t, when they are throwing a fit- and do something about it. So often, they are just trying to get your attention!
Love them enough to put down what you are doing, get off your butt, and take the time and energy to to train them, correct them, and to direct them.

God is God and you are His agent.

V. Training and Discipline

The point of training and disciplining your children is not:
so you look good in public
a means of venting your frustrations or anger
a way of getting even with your child
a way of gaining more control over your life or to have a perfectly ordered home.
It is a means of raising morally responsible and biblically responsive children. The goal, contrary to popular belief, is not to make your child happy.
as a matter of fact....

Hebrews 12:11 says, All discipline for the moment seems not be be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Proverbs 23:15 says, Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.... the next verse says that disciplining your child will “rescue his soul from hell.”

Read those verses and try to tell me that your job is to make your kid happy!

We approach our parenting in a very directive way.

Freedoms, in the early months and years are very, very limited. As the children grow and mature, freedoms are earned as responsible behavior is demonstrated. Early on, we don’t give them many choices. From day one, when it comes to eating, I am in charge of the schedule, not the baby. Nor are they given the freedom to be awake or sleep where ever and when ever they want.

As they move up to the high chair and eventually the dinner table, I’m in charge of what they eat- not them. Because I am the adult, and my child has very little, if any decision making capabilities, those things are primarily up to me. Yes, there are tears and it takes work to make that happen, it is inconvenient... but it is worth it.

By only allowing age appropriate freedoms, your children will gain a measure of self control. Less freedom will yield a greater level of self control. The freedoms you grant your child should be on par with the level of self control they have.

For example, the freedom to play with the remote control or play in the tupperware drawer at 6 months old is not age appropriate. The remote control is a tool, not a toy to bang on the coffee table or drool on. The tupperware is for food storage not for making a mess on your kitchen floor that you have to clean up.

We actually tell our kids that they are not old enough to make their own decisions until they are 9 years old. Until then, they need to do as they are told or ask if they want to do something. Now in reality, that doesn’t always happen. But the concept is... that until you have demonstrated that you have the wisdom to obey, you don’t have the wisdom to make decsions for yourself. At age 9, we give them a lot more freedom to make choices and they basically get discipled in making decisions. Sometimes they fall flat on their face with a decision, but that’s when we get to talk thru what choices they made.

The idea is to be proactive and directive, not reactive and restricted.
You want to be training, not retraining. You want to be giving freedoms, not taking them back.

Lets take the high chair as an example.... left to their own devices, a child will dump the contents of the plate on the floor and smear food all over their face, scream when they want more, and only eat what they want to eat. These things may be funny and cute, but lets’ be honest, the clean up is a pain and you can’t take that kid to a restaurant.

On the flip side, how about, right from the start, teaching them good high chair behavior. Teaching the child to keep their hands quietly under the tray while you feed them, to use sign language to ask for more, and firmly correcting throwing food or kicking and screaming when they are set in the chair.

Here’s another example. Your child has your favorite book in her hand and she is starting to drool on it. Do you just grab it from her? or have you trained her to place something in your hand when you ask her to with out force. This comes in handy when they have something breakable or dangerous in their hands. “Maggie, give it to mama.” I put my hand out and she sets it in my hand.

It’s almost like playing Simon Says at times. I will start working with them on something even before I expect them to be able to do it. For example, it is a very important skill for them to be able to come when they are called. as soon as the child is mobile, I set them on one side of the room and I am a few feet away. I say, “Come, Grace!” with a smile on my face... and I physically pick her up and bring her to me, and I say, good girl! Come! And we do it again. Several times a day... eventually, she recognizes the phrase and my tone of voice and she comes when she is called. If she starts to go the other way, I give a firm, “No, Grace. Come!”... It may sound like dog training, but let me tell you... they come cheerfully and I am never late for an appointment simply because I was chasing my child around the house trying to get their coat on or to change their diaper. There are other reasons why I am late... but that is not one of them.

Another important element for our home is that we move the younger children thru their day in a directed fashion. I have provided a sample schedule for a preschoolers day. As we know, routine and structure is important for a child. It is important for you as well, so you are not just dealing with crisis after crisis all day long and you can actually get a few things done. Think of age appropriate activities for your child and move them thru those activities at intervals thru out the day. Let’s look at the example......

Next, let’s define obedience... true obedience happens immediately, completely, without challenge, and without complaint.

Obedience comes first, like I said before, by being the adult that you are supposed to be. Have you taught the child to do what you want them to do? For example, do they know how to put their toys away? Have you shown them clearly? Have you gone over it several times?

Make eye contact with the child, telling her what you want her to do, making sure she understands, getting a verbal agreement “Yes, ma’am”, watching that she does it, then checking her work and correcting if need be. Tedious? Yes, but done enough times, you will see results.

Do we use rewards? No, actually we don’t. Rewards is bribery to be honest. From my perspective, it encourages greed and selfish interest. We expect the kids to do what we ask when we ask them. They are to do it because it is the right thing to do. We consistently train them. We don’t use empty threats. If we say they will get disciplined, they will. If there is an offense, we give it immediate attention. They know that. They are praised when they do a good job and corrected when they don’t. It is as simple as that.

To sum up, let me give you some basic principles of instruction:

1. When you speak to a child in a way that requires an answer or an action, you should expect an immediate and complete response.
2. Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed.
3. Be consistent. The child who is corrected consistently for failing to obey is better adjusted than the child whose discipline is inconsistent or incomplete. Consistency provides security and freedom.
4. Require eye contact when giving face to face instruction.
5. Use your God given wisdom regarding a situation...don’t just react in fear or frustration.

Talk to one another. You may think that you have it all together and your kids are fine. But you are all going thru the same things. As women, we need each other. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are struggling with something and ask for advise. There is a lot of wisdom right here in this room. Sometimes, we tend to just complain to one another, but be open to getting advise and following it rather than just complaining.

Conclusion
I love talking about this stuff with other moms. Each mom’s situation is unique, but following some basic guidelines goes a long way.

God is at the focal point of your home... not your kids.
Keep your marriage alive because God wants you to and because it provides the stability that your children need.
Remember that you are in charge... use your God given authority with your kids.
And finally, train and discipline your children in love. You will be greatly rewarded with kids that are fun to be around, that you can trust, and that are equipped to make wise choices.

A Week-end at St. Joe's

2010-10-03T13:40:00.002-04:00

I wrote this back in July after an "emergency" trip to Tucson to be with my folks as my mom was having surgery. It ends abruptly in part because I wrote it on the plane trip home. The effort to capture my thoughts on paper was totally exhausting to me emotionally and physically at the time.

***

How many times are we going to get the teary phone call from my dad saying that some new thing has come up with my mom’s cancer?

The roller coaster continues. I would say the cancer roller coaster is worse than any amusement park roller coaster. My stomach falls harder, slower, the rush of dread sweeps over me as we careen down the cancer mountain. We are all in the cars: family members, friends, medical staff. Dips and valleys, then steady flat places, then another sudden dip.

Unlike at the amusement park, there is no platform at the end with the sense of relief and accomplishment, the giddy laughter, and dare to do it again. My mother is at the front of the roller coaster, getting the full brunt of the ride with my dad faithfully next to her. The rest of us just follow along after her, pulled forward, straining our necks to see if there is an end in sight.

This past weekend was no different. On Wednesday, we began to get the full picture of what was going on with my mom’s neck pain. Another tumor had grown. So fast had it progressed, that just 6 weeks ago, it couldn’t even be detected on the most state of the art medical technology.

The tumor had grown on her spine, wrapping itself tenaciously to her arteries and spinal cord, eroding bone and threatening to leave her paralyzed from the neck down. Her pain was steadily increasing while the use of her right arm was steadily decreasing. The doctors said we had to act now or what my mother feared most would happen in the next few weeks.

It didn’t take much for Phil and I to decide that I needed to make the trip to be with them. I cried myself to sleep that night waking up to find my used Kleenex scattered next to me on the bed. Somehow I felt better as we clicked “purchase flight” and I started packing.

I arrived too late to see her before surgery, but in time to sit with my dad in the now-to-familiar surgery waiting room. Aunt Linda and a few other friends came to sit with him as we waited. He seemed a bit scattered and not as “put together” as usual. I am finding that I have to look for subtle signs to detect his emotional status. Forgetfulness and fidgeting are really the only signs of distress. The untrained eye might not notice and think that he is the most stoic person alive.

***

As I said, it ends abruptly. But maybe abrupt isn't bad. Maybe my "raw emotions" and real-time struggles will inspire you in your own circumstance that is confusing or hard.

Though it doesn't make it any easier, I am learning to trust God's unfolding story in this situation.

A Break Up with Self

2010-06-28T20:08:00.001-04:00

This church planting journey often reminds me of a messy "break up." I've noticed that I and others in our circle have intense relationships with our opinions about church and what makes us feel like a "good" Christian.

I remember breaking up with my old boyfriend in high school. It took me way too long to realize that I needed to do the deed.

I didn't see how I was keeping myself from enjoying my years in high school or taking opportunities to grow. I just went along with what was comfortable, felt secure, made me feel important, and boosted my ego.

When I finally saw that the relationship was actually hurting me, it was almost too late. I finally made the break, struggling for months to truly give up the habit.

At the time, I felt like I was giving up everything that made my life exciting. Obviously, God has provided me with something far greater than what I had. I now have an amazing husband and six wonderful children!

The same thing happened again recently in a different sense. My exercise routine only included running. After two years of running, I loved it. It felt so good. I was going longer distances, was a little faster and the high afterward would last me several hours. But I was actually gaining weight instead of loosing it!

One day Phil suggested I change my routine. I was pretty mad at him and accused him of robbing me of one of the greatest pleasures of my day. I was so proud of my accomplishments.

But, one article he and I read together suggested that a person might need to "break up" (their term not mine) with their work out in order to make progress with fitness. I was afraid to back off on running and do something else.

Hats off to Phil who had to deal with my anger and was persistent despite my protests! He was right. I changed my routine and have seen great results. I am just as happy if not happier and more satisfied.

Church planting has been the same sort of experience. We tend to balk at the notion of change, of giving up what we hold dear and in order to do something different. After years of "doing church," we tend to think we have all the answers, can simply continue with the way things have always been done, and out will pop a vibrant Christian community. When presented with new ideas and suggestions about how to live a Christ-like life, we cringe, argue, and call on all our past experience in defense of keeping the status quo.

Perhaps if we took the suggestions, we might "break up" with ourselves, and try something new. The results may include a greater understanding of how we have offended God and a stronger sense of Jesus love and care, or a stronger sense of community. We might actually experience the joy of seeing someone else come into a relationship with God.

What are your habits, routines, and opinions that could use a good "break up" in order for you to reach new heights of life, love, and grace in your relationship with God and others? I see all of us in our launch team wrestling with that question. I can't wait to see the results!

Our first preview service!

2010-03-24T21:16:00.000-04:00

It seems like it took several years to lead up to the big day- the first preview service for Mercy Hill Presbyterian Church. We have been praying, moving, talking about, laboring for, and anticipating this event for so long and finally it all came together.

The service was beautiful and simple. We kept things simple so there were less things to mess up!! Phil and Scott picked a venue that was accessible, modern, and had good acoustics. Our friend Keith came all the way from PA to help with the music. Shelly did an awesome job preparing the nursery. Best of all... we had 64 people in attendance. Neighbors and friends came to be a part of the first ever service of a new church.

Phil preached a great sermon on the many misconceptions that we have about Jesus and presented to us the true Jesus as the Scriptures tell about Him.

I think for some of us on the launch team, the reason for the service was just to have something tangible to see and experience. It is easier for us to tell our friends about our new church if we have actually seen it! Up until now, we have had to practice Hebrews 11:1... "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Though we finally had an "event," we were reminded that the church itself is more than an event. It is people living together as the church in their communities sharing Christ's love in their homes and with their neighbors. It is the people of God noticing and understanding the needs of the world around them and interjecting the Gospel truth that Christ died for sinners and rose again so that we might have a face to face relationship with the living God who loves us.

The hard work is still ahead of us, but we were greatly encouraged by how things went. There are so many folks out there that are hurting, wondering, and questioning. I can't wait to hear their stories and share with them the great story of redemption through faith in Jesus.

Hungry Souls

2010-02-16T13:41:00.001-05:00

Here is another one that I wrote last summer. Now, more than ever in our very fast passed weeks, it seems that I need to listen to it!

Stasi came down this morning, hungry as usual, and asked her usual question: "What's for 'breakfast, Mama?" Then she asked me if I had any of "that" cereal. "What cereal, Stasi?" I asked. "You know, that Michael Jax cereal! Do we still have any?" I had to laugh, because we had been enjoying a box of Apple Jacks cereal several weeks ago as we encounter all the media hype about Michael Jackson. A three year old seems to mix important events together, I guess!

I have noticed lately, as I work in a small kitchen feeding 8 people 3 times a day not including snacks, that meal preparation and meal time keeps coming and coming and coming again! All 8 of us get hungry! The hunger pangs hit and SOME of us get particularly grumpy- sure signs that we need to do some eating! Some of us, being more active and wiggly than others, seem to need food more often. We almost never skip, because we enjoy good food (NJ has some amazing food opportunities), but also because our bodies tell us that we need it.

We have been talking lately with the older kids about how easy and natural it is to take care of our physical needs like eating, but also bathing, brushing our teeth, and sleeping. Our bodies tell us loud and clear what we need, but our soul often doesn't give us physical reminders of its need. Our soul doesn't ever feel gritty like our teeth do. Our soul doesn't stink like our bodies do at the end of the day. Nor does our soul grumble and rumble like our bellies do when it's time to eat. But our soul needs to be fed and cared for just like our bodies do.

There are consequences for not taking care of our bodies. Siblings holler and complain if we come in the room all stinky. We won't have the energy we need to run and play (or do all endless chores Mama makes everyone do) without food. And I for one am terribly grumpy without plenty of sleep. If we get too hungry, we reach for junk food because it is convenient. This cheats our body of what it really needs though.

In the same way, if we don't take care of our soul on a regular basis, it is going to suffer. What are the signs of a "suffering soul?" Anger, lonilness, depression, anxiety, insecurity. When we aren't regularly feeding our soul with the things God provides, we may start looking for a quick fix to try to feel good again or be happy. Sometimes those quick fixes are relatively harmless (chocolate often does the trick for me), but other times, the choices that we make when our soul has been neglected can show our desperation. Overeating, nurturing romantic fantasies (or making those fantasies reality), masking our pain with drugs or too much alcohol are just a few choices made in hopes of finding some soul fulfillment. Some even resort to cutting themselves, plucking out their hair, or throwing up any food they eat- all in an effort to gain control, to try, in some twisted way, to feel good.

God has generoulsy given us lots of ways to nourish our souls, and He instructs us to take every opportunity to take Him up on these provisions.

Packed Wine Glasses

2010-02-16T13:36:00.002-05:00

I wrote this back in July of 2009 and never posted it. I thought I would put it up there now, because it is still relevant.

Phil, always gifted at coming up with witty analogies, rightly described our situation the other day. He said the two of us are like wine glasses packed in a box. Up until 6 weeks ago, we were neatly packed in the box with lots of paper, very protected from being broken. But now, having left our home, fairly regular routines, and a wonderful support network of friends and family, we are like wine glasses in a box without all the protective padding. All the decisions and pressures of moving, buying a house, and helping the kids get settled in, are like heavy boxes being stacked on our wine glass box! AHHH! We might just break into a million pieces! Maybe that is why he and I feel particularly edgy and likely to fall back into bad habits these days.

I now know how vulnerable missionaries become when they get out on the field and how essential it is that they are grounded in Christ and are working together as a couple. There is no more "padding" of familiarity and routine once they are finally where they are called to be. Even the physical conveniences are often gone causing stress.

So Phil and I are shoring up our "box" these days to make sure we don't break! That has included getting back to regular times with God in His Word, calling our close friends for prayer support and encouragement (and sometimes a kick in the pants), and Bible time and prayer with the kids, and making a point to express our feelings and needs to one another. In Tucson, God provided much "padding" to help us be strong and to protect us. Those provisions were needed and helpful and really taught us how to take care of ourselves. Now is the time to put those lessons into action!

God Space

2010-01-29T14:25:00.000-05:00

I am reading a book called God Space by Doug Pollock. It is an excellent book about encouraging spiritual conversations with our friends in a natural way.

Here is a quote from the end of chapter one that I wanted to share:
God Space is where...
...God is felt and encountered in tangible ways that address the longings and crieds of the heart.
...we come to the end of our own finite resources and experience infinite resources of God.
...the natural gives way to the supernatural.
...seeds of faith are planted, watered, and nurtured.
...gentleness and respect are present, judgment is absent, and divine dialogue flows naturally because trust has been established.
...the invisible principles of God's kingdom are made visible in ways people can see, touch, and feel.
...friends of sinners- in other words, our friends- dwell.
...the topic of God can be explored freely without agendas, biases, and personal convictions getting in the way.
...cynics, skeptics, scoffers, and spiritually curious people alike can raise their quesions, share their doubts, voice their concerns, and even vent their anger toward God and the church.
...the "unworthy" feel safe enough to bring their real selves out into the light, and to journey, one step at a time, toward the magnetic pull they sense deep in their souls.
...spiritual curiosity is aroused, and the message of Christianity becomes plausible.

Stomach Flu Week at the Henry's

2010-01-29T14:17:00.001-05:00

Our house was attacked this week! Attacked by a very angry, very busy virus. Only Phil has yet to get sick.

The throwing up came on sudden and strong. It started with Stasi. I thought that was going to be it, but I got a call from the school nurse that Grace was not feeling well, but that she went ahead and put on the bus ride home. I got off the phone and immediately prayed that she wouldn't throw up on the bus. Sure enough, just before she was to get off, she "lost her cookies" all over the floor of the bus. After that, the nasty virus made it's way up the line.

Maggie was the next victim, then Lydia, then ME, then another call from the school nurse that Noah was under the weather. (We went and picked him up... we wouldn't want to bother the bus driver again!) Finally, Fitch had his turn with the bucket last night. I'm not just talking one or two episodes of hurling. This was more like 10-15 times per person!

I am so glad my kids know how to get it all in the bucket or the toilet!!! We are joking that we need to have t-shirts made: "I survived stomach flu week at the Henry's!"

Coffee Time!

2010-01-18T08:51:00.001-05:00

Any ladies want to join me this Friday for coffee? We will be getting together at my house at 8:30a to share in some great coffee and then a discussion about how Jesus is relevant in our everyday lives.... kids, marriage, work, etc!

New Friends

2010-01-12T08:40:00.002-05:00

We are busy making new friends everyday. As a mom, I think I have it easy. Our neighborhood is filled with moms that have been very friendly to me, there are moms' groups in our township, and numerous ways to get involved in the elementary school. I now have a group of moms that I go out with once a month for "book club." Oddly enough, there are no books involved, just lots of laughter and a few drinks that our husbands would be embarrassed to order! Most of the mom's refuse to head home until they are sure everyone at their house is safely tucked in bed. Makes for a very late night out!

Slowly, as I continue to build relationships with some of these ladies, I find that they have questions about God, and the conversations turn to spiritual things. I feel privileged to get to wrestle through these questions with them. Being the "pastor's wife," in their minds I guess, qualifies me to be the "go-to girl" for all things Bible related!

For the older kids, finding friends has not been as easy, but they have done a great job. They have the pleasure of learning the social maze of high school and middle school, and even, in Lydia's case dodging fist fights in art class! Tennis helped Lydia meet a great group of girls and running winter track has certainly broadened her horizons even more.

As we talk about their new friendships, we often come back to the idea of having "tell all" friends- those that we trust with our hearts- "fun" friends- those that we simply enjoy being around- and "ministry" friends- those that we really need to reach out to and help them feel like they belong. But most importantly, we remind them that because they are unconditionally accepted by Jesus, they can love others without the fear of being rejected. In other words, they ultimately don't need the approval of their peers because they already have the approval of Jesus. Hopefully, that knowledge will give them the ability to make wise decisions and be friends with lots of kids.

Sick Week

2009-11-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

Phil was lucky enough to be at a conference the week that we hosted the Henry's first South Jersey infirmary. Every single Henry child except for Lydia took a turn on the family room couches. Fevers, runny noses, coughs, chills, head aches, etc. The kitchen counter turned into the nurse's station and was well stocked with Sudafed, Tylenol, Advil, hand sanitizer, and the thermometer. I couldn't measure it out fast enough to keep fevers under control and coughs quiet. Why don't the medicine companies make the liquid medicine come in gallon pump bottles? How many times did I have to run to the store for more ammunition against whatever it was we had?

The Phillies have new fans

2009-10-26T14:45:00.001-04:00

In case you haven't heard, the Phillies are in the World Series. We are now official fans, because one of the neighbors gave us a yard sign. The same lady gave Noah a Phillies shirt for his birthday. We will need to get shirts for everyone else to be true fans, but that will come in time! I can't believe the excitement and hoop-la over this whole event! You don't mess with some people when the Phillies are on TV.... don't call, don't text them, don't knock on their door!

A look at the new 'hood

2009-10-26T14:28:00.000-04:00

We joke that the crisis in the real estate market has let the "riff-raff" into the Snowy Owl Woods subdivision! The Henrys, with all six kids, their huge van, numerous bicycles, AZ yard maintenance skills, and frequent visitors, have moved into the 'hood! Watch out!

Some people marry "above" themselves. We just moved in "above" ourselves! It is a great neighborbood. There are lots of families with kids our ages, several families with grown kids- more than a few are Italian Catholics. We are situated right at the center of our target area, right near a major highway giving us easy access to other parts of the county and Philadelphia.

We have been blessed to move into a much sought after school district as well. The kids are all in good school situations. We are very grateful for that! I especially am very thankful for buses that come and pick the kids up and bring them home. No more 45 minute morning route stopping at 3 different schools.

The house is well suited for entertaining with a big back deck, an open layout, and a finished basement. And with a new kitchen table that seats all 12 people with the leaves in, plus our existing dining room table, we can now seat 22 people comfortably! So far, we have had a waffle brunch, a pizza party, numerous late night fire pit conversations, neighbor kids over for dinner, and a few others that I can't remember.

This weekend, we look forward to hosting an open house celebrating our new home. It should be fun!

A Few New Jersey Differences

2009-09-21T14:15:00.000-04:00

We are finally here. By "here" I mean, "here in our new home, and mostly unpacked, kids in school, and just realizing that we really did make it!"

Our summer has been full to overflowing; its hard to know where to start telling that story.

One thing that stood out as we look on our transition to New Jersey is how different life and culture here in South Jersey is from what we knew and experienced back in Arizona.

Its not too much an exaggeration to say that while the two states claim to be in the same nation, there are some very distinct differences that can not be missed.

Here is a quick list of some things that come to mind that make NJ different from Tucson:

If you hesitate more than a split second at a stop light in NJ, be ready to be honked at by the guy behind you. Hesitate a whole second and watch for the one finger salute.
It is already cold in September, but the Jersey folks don't seem to realize it.
We've discovered something called Humidity. It's very interesting. For example, dishes have to be dried with a towel in NJ. They don't just air dry. This has caused much frustration amongst the children. Likewise, bathing suits that have been used in the morning, are not ready to be put back on in the afternoon.
Not a single road in NJ is straight. Not a one. Each one has at least five different names, with a new name being given to the road if you travel on it more than a mile. (Even our GPS gets confused. She endlessly says, "Recalculating...Recalculating..." At least she doesn't cry like some of us do!)
No one from NJ likes living in NJ, but they stay, because if they move out of the state, they have to pay an extra tax.
65 degrees with 80% humidity is way hotter than one would think especially when doing any sort of physical activity.
In NJ, black 5+ ft snakes like to live in basements.
In NJ, one goes to the shore, not the beach. Once you are at the shore, it is acceptable to say that you are "going to the beach."
There are more people named Vinny or Gino than Juan or Carlos.
One hasn't had true pizza until one has experienced it made by someone named Vinny or Gino and is from South Jersey.
There is no North Arizona and South Arizona. Here, one must not confuse North Jersey and South Jersey.
Most people from AZ didn't even realize the state had a football team until last year. In South Jersey, people don't realize there are other teams besides theirs. The Eagles is a way of life, it runs in the blood. Root for any other team, and you might get that one finger salute again.
People in NJ are very aware of history. In AZ, most people are trying to forget history and are more focused on finding the best golf course, hiking trail, or a good reason to take a trip to California.

With all these differences--some more serious than others--we've learned to smile and try to go with the flow...most of the time. We are also thanking God for our new home, because even with all the differences, we're learning to love South Jersey.

Thoughts along the Way

2009-07-03T11:18:00.000-04:00

We had many exciting adventures and fun experiences along the way from Tucson to Jersey. Despite many late nights, long days of driving, leaving friends before the kids felt done playing, and occasionally grumpy parents, they did great!

Much to their dismay, they didn't have a DVD player in the back to watch movies, but I don't know how they could have enjoyed a movie considering the numerous stops we had to make for potty breaks, to switch drivers, for lunch or gas, or even to throw up! Ohhh the stories we have to tell!

(Our most exciting stop was when we were hardly one hour into the trip when we saw a bag flying out of the back of our trailer onto Interstate 10 on our way to Phoenix.)

All along the way, Papa and Mama embarrassed our older children by wearing our huge wrap around sunglasses—a gift from our dear neighbor friend, Sandy.

(A picture of Phil in these near-goggle-like shades is available for a small fee. For a picture of Polly, a much higher fee is required!)

Behind the fun, however, were serious questions: "What have we gotten ourselves into?" At one point about three-fourths of the way to our destination, exhausted, we contemplated just stopping our travels right there.

"I don't think I can go any further!" I said.

In my late night delirium, the realization of being "homeless," looking for a house, preparing the kids for school, et cetera, made it seem like the end of our travels would only mean the beginning of our travails!

Potty breaks and throw up seemed a piece of cake compared to the work ahead!

Jumping in by Faith

2009-07-03T11:04:00.001-04:00

Ever attempt jump into a cold pool? Ever stare at a bite of the mystery casserole at a potluck? Ever put a pen to a blank piece of paper?

In all of these situations, people have apprehension of the unknown...what will happen? Will it be worth it? Will it be good?

That is how we felt as we drove away from our home in Tucson for the last time. About a dozen friends from our neighborhood dragged themselves out of bed early in the morning to see us off.

Still dressed in their pj's, they joined us in our now empty house and treated us to juice and donuts, sang and prayed with us, and shed tears as we embarked upon our new adventure. Noah, our seven-year old, said while driving out of the neighborhood: "Mama, is this a drill or is this for real?"

The travels across the country were filled with more blessing than we can name. Friends and family sent us on with numerous encouraging words and prayers. Each stop had its own surprises. Some even said they envied our courage and said they wished they were going, too! Now that's not something I thought I would hear!

One dear young lady, a twelve-year old, even sent us a ten dollar bill; she said, “This is to help with your work.”

This might just be our favorite gift of all the support we have raised.

Sharing the plan for the new church in Gloucester County as we traveled, hearing the excitement the vision generated among our friends, and talking about our new chapter of ministry with the children all served to pump us up even more.

Could we have planned such faith-building trek? We believe God has great things in store for our family and this new ministry.

A Weekend to Remember

2009-06-08T12:18:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was filled with good-byes and lasts. It was incredible and very precious to us. We will remember the events of the past few days for a long time to come.

We visited some great Tucson hot-spots, hosted an all-day open house at the house, enjoyed a poolside pizza dinner with Polly's family and Phil's mom, preached for the last time at Desert Springs PCA, had a sweet time of fellowship with our brothers and sisters at a sister Hispanic church in South Tucson, and ate lasagna on paper plates at home with Polly's parents.

What amazing things God has done for us here in Tucson. The theme of the weekend for me was that we are being sent out to do what God has called us to do. Sent out by family and friends who love us dearly, who believe in us, who trust God to take care of us, and are excited to see God at work.

Here are some of the details (for those of you who like such things…)

On Friday night we enjoyed one last visit to a Tucson hot-spot called Sabino Canyon. Sabino is a picturesque and picture-perfect hiking and walking experience of the Tucson high-mountain desert.

This was on my “bucket list” of things to do before we left town. I had been on the hike many times before, but this time we splurged and took the tram. Our dear friends Nick and Betsy Dunlap joined us for the ride, some splashing and playing in the water, and a picnic on the rocks.

Then, on Saturday, amidst our many boxes, we hosted an all-day open house. The house was filled even past the stated 4p ending time with people that have blessed us and encouraged us in so many ways. Many brought gifts, but all brought good memories and encouragements about what God is doing in our lives and in our unknown future.

Saturday night was also a wonderful evening. We spend Saturday night with Polly's family (her two aunts, her uncle, and her cousin, as well as her mom and dad) and Phil's mom--poolside with pizza! It was so relaxing after hosting in our home all day to sit outside, under the sunset, with family. We will miss them dearly.

Sunday was definitely a “full day.” It started with a worship service at our church, Desert Springs, where Phil preached his last sermon from Acts 15:9, “No Distinction.”

That dear church family held a potluck afterwards in our honor and said thank you to Phil for his ministry. They have been a blessing to one another: that church to Phil, and Phil to that church.

Then, afterwards, we attended a worship service at a Hispanic sister church where Phil has preached several times over the years.

Towards the end of the service, Phil got up to thank the church for the many ways that they have blessed us and for the privilege of being a part of God's work there.

He explained to them that we are moving to NJ to start a new church community. He said, “We have no building, no people, and no house, but that we have a big God.” After hearing this, this dear congregation burst out with applause to the Lord.

Its amazing to see how quickly people who for a variety of reasons MUST live by faith recognize it when others are doing the same.

These people have experienced God in their church in very powerful ways. In their seemingly financially difficult state, they have planted a church in Nogales, AZ. They have torn down walls in the sanctuary to make room for more people. They are seeing people come out of prison saved and ready to serve God. They have a core group of young men that are on fire for God. All this because of the faith God has given them.

While we visited yesterday, they spoke into our hearts of the hope that we have in Christ to use us in mighty ways, that He loves us, and that He will provide.

I especially was encouraged to keep God's Word close during all the chaos of packing and moving and to keep my eyes on Jesus.

To be honest, this move is scary. There are so many unknowns. But we were reminded, that indeed, God is BIG. Even if we are swirling in the mess and fears of moving, He remains big and in control. I am so grateful that we spent time with our friends at Templo la Uncion yesterday. Over these busy days of preparing to move, our kids have done a great job. But they also have asked some funny questions.

Stasi wants to know if we are going to take our house with us. Noah wants to know about what sort of friends he will have in NJ. Grace only wants to be assured that she will get to go to kindergarten. Maggie is aware that this house is no longer ours. Fitch is wondering how he is going to keep up his biking without Grandpa Mike around. Lydia has been researching which sports she will get to do in the fall and which ones in the spring at her new high school.

We are so thankful for our kids positive attitudes. What they have not seemed to question is God's care for us, and that life will be good!

Isn't it amazing how easily they trust while it is so hard for us? We have lots of questions! Questions that strike fear in our hearts. Questions that cause us to be irritable with one another. Questions that cause us to lay awake at night.

Do you think the kids are loosing any sleep? No way! They are just looking forward to the next adventure! Sometimes, we need only look to our kids to show us what faith looks like!

Maggie: age 9

2009-01-29T13:01:00.000-05:00

Fitch: age 11

2009-01-29T12:54:00.001-05:00

Lydia: age 13

2009-01-29T12:53:00.000-05:00

The Girls' Trip to NJ: our wheels and...

2009-01-29T12:42:00.001-05:00

A stylish ride...but not our style!More our style!!!

The Girls' Trip to NJ: Philly Museums

2009-01-29T12:07:00.000-05:00

Go Phillies!

2008-12-09T20:14:00.000-05:00

The MiniChix and I sport our Phillies hats at Lydia's soccer game! Score for the game: 3-1 with the game going to St. Gregory's instead of the Desert Christian Eagles, but Lydia said they did an awesome job with defense today and really played like a team!

The First Leg of our Trip: NJ

2008-08-28T20:54:00.000-04:00

The Philadelphia Skyline!

It wasn't raining on our parade!

An evening at a lake in Camden County before an outdoor concert.

NJ is not just city... there is lots of country side.

2008-06-14T13:42:00.000-04:00

Stasi, with our beautiful Great Grandma Frances

With Frances and Aunt Sarah and her son Nathan

June 2008

2008-06-14T13:30:00.000-04:00

Grace (4), Noah (6), Stasi (2), Maggie (8)

Everyone!

Stasi with her favorite "tween," Lydia... almost not a "tween," but a TEEN!!!

Grace wants a pink Corvette when she grows up! Watch out world!

2008-03-06T13:16:00.000-05:00

Grace with Uncle Matthew on Christmas Eve!

Phil and Matthew

El Tour de Tucson

2007-11-20T11:02:00.001-05:00

Fitch and Grandpa Mike got to ride the 35 mile version of the Tour de Tucson. They had a great time and finished STRONG!

The Finish Line!

Almost done!

1:42:00; 2nd Tandem in; 41st and 42nd finishers

With a best friend, Grant

October pictures

2007-11-04T19:47:00.000-05:00

Stasi showing off!

Coloring... a favorite activity for these two.

Lydia, makin' a snack

Disneyland Pictures!

2007-10-10T17:34:00.001-04:00

More pictures

2007-10-02T16:15:00.001-04:00

Well it looks like it worked! Here are some more!Phil and Polly still happy at 14 years!

Pretty girls in pink!

Phil's bro Matthew with Stasi

"Is it always like this?" asks Matthew!

Noah's 1st day of school

Maggie's 1st day of 2nd grade

Lydia and Grace at a wedding

Two handsome men- one young and one gettin' up there

L-Lydia!

F-Fitch!

N-Noah!

A Place for Pictures

2007-10-02T16:09:00.000-04:00

I am trying out creating a convenient place for friends and family to see recent pictures of our little ones! I hope this works.